Men and women can't be just friends (opens in new tab)

(scientificamerican.com)

35 pointssperm8y ago38 comments

38 comments

   researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into…a science lab.

Ok, so this research has nothing to do with men or women - just horny near-adults.

isubkhankulov8y ago

read on...

>> Males were significantly more likely than females to list romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, and this discrepancy increased as men aged—males on the younger end of the spectrum were four times more likely than females to report romantic attraction as a benefit of opposite-sex friendships, whereas those on the older end of the spectrum were ten times more likely to do the same.

namlem8y ago

Yeah, but what was the age range they tested? If they're comparing 22 year-olds to 18 year-olds, they're still only covering a small range.

1 more reply

kbenson8y ago

In a follow-up study, 249 adults (many of whom were married) were asked to list the positive and negative aspects of being friends with a specific member of the opposite sex.

There was a follow-up study, but it doesn't say how much, if any, of the original research was tried again.

bullsandabears8y ago

This is what passes as science in 'scientific american'?! There's not a single absolute number reported aside from the laughingly small sample size of 400 adults in a world of 7,000,000,000.

4 more replies

ephimetheus8y ago

Also, 176 is not terribly many. You'd have to make extra sure you get a sample that represents people at large.

vkou8y ago

I stopped reading at that point as well.

kbenson8y ago

FYI, this is from 2012, The paper is under the link "New research"[1].

1: http://bleske-rechek.com/April%20Website%20Files/Bleske-Rech...

itchyjunk8y ago

First off, this is too vague of a generalization based on their sample size. It makes for a nice casual read but I can't take it too seriously. Though, I must note, my anecdotal experience also makes me think this is more of a norm.

This also agrees with observed primate behaviors. Males have an incentive to identify potential mates while female have incentive to pick one out of the many available. (Male can impregnate many females in a year, female can only bear one child at a time.)

Friendship and romance also have overlapping characteristics. Example: "bromance" where it's not sexual but outsiders might see characters typically associated with romance.

It's too big of a topic and I would probably write an essay.

thescriptkiddie8y ago

Ya, I don't buy this. I know this is just my experience, but I've had plenty of "just friends" who were members of the opposite sex, and nothing bad ever happened.

wsc9818y ago

Just speaking for myself: I have never persued a friendship with a woman if I was not at least attracted to her.

I don't see female colleagues at my current job as friends and I feel the same about the girlfriends of my friends. Those are just platonic relationships to me that I am not interested in deepening in any way.

throwaway911118y ago

That is so odd to me. Why would you pursue (platonic) relationships with men if there's no attraction? Are you only attracted to women? (I'm assumig you're male.)

Or are you talking about sexual attraction? Do you view women as only sexual? I am simply trying to figure out what men provide that women can or do not.

Personally (as a man) I can't make heads or tails out of how to interact with other men outside of work; I am precisely the opposite of you.

1 more reply

autokad8y ago

>"I have never persued a friendship with a woman if I was not at least attracted to her."

if that is the case, it doesn't sound like you are actually pursuing friendships

thepaulstella8y ago

Wow, that's sad.

1 more reply

matz18y ago

Let say a particular woman is not sexually attractive to you but get along very well with you, would you still not interested to be friend with her?

1 more reply

mcbruiser38y ago

of course. because, generally speaking, men and women have very few shared interests or behaviors (and that's not sarcasm in case it wasn't clear)

MiddleEndian8y ago

Me either, although as mentioned elsewhere in the comments the ratios (male:female) were mentioned but not the magnitudes. Also they only applied to pairs of friends who were willing to attend a study like this together.

Personally, I have plenty female friends with whom I know there is no attraction.

manicdee8y ago

Apparently the writer of the article can not comprehend the difference between attraction and action.

I can find someone attractive without trying to have sex with them. Men and women can be "just friends", and this is not incompatible with "men are more likely to find friends sexually attractive."

Whether this is due to biology, sociology, culture, or space aliens is anyone's guess.

cmac29928y ago

Am I crazy or is their surprisingly little quantitative data? Are we talking a 5% effect or 80%?

antisthenes8y ago

Ah, the undergraduates. The most studied group in America!

rustynails8y ago

About 1/2 of my friends are female. Over the years, I've had a few of my expressions of interest rejected. However, I've had quite a few female friends "give up because I didn't get the message they were interested". I've been abused, called stupid, asked if I was gay, etc by female friends who were interested in me. I once had to ask a mutual (female) friend what happened because I couldn't get a word out of one woman. "You can't be THAT dumb, can you?".

I call bs on this one. I've had too many instances of being explicitly hit on (about 1 in 3 of good female friends at a guess) to believe the "women aren't attracted to male friends".

However, I have plenty of female friends who I just like because they are amazing people.

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38 comments

acchow8y ago

   researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into…a science lab.

Ok, so this research has nothing to do with men or women - just horny near-adults.

isubkhankulov8y ago

read on...

namlem8y ago

Yeah, but what was the age range they tested? If they're comparing 22 year-olds to 18 year-olds, they're still only covering a small range.

1 more reply

kbenson8y ago

In a follow-up study, 249 adults (many of whom were married) were asked to list the positive and negative aspects of being friends with a specific member of the opposite sex.

There was a follow-up study, but it doesn't say how much, if any, of the original research was tried again.

bullsandabears8y ago

This is what passes as science in 'scientific american'?! There's not a single absolute number reported aside from the laughingly small sample size of 400 adults in a world of 7,000,000,000.

4 more replies

ephimetheus8y ago

Also, 176 is not terribly many. You'd have to make extra sure you get a sample that represents people at large.

vkou8y ago

I stopped reading at that point as well.

kbenson8y ago

FYI, this is from 2012, The paper is under the link "New research"[1].

1: http://bleske-rechek.com/April%20Website%20Files/Bleske-Rech...

itchyjunk8y ago

Friendship and romance also have overlapping characteristics. Example: "bromance" where it's not sexual but outsiders might see characters typically associated with romance.

It's too big of a topic and I would probably write an essay.

thescriptkiddie8y ago

Ya, I don't buy this. I know this is just my experience, but I've had plenty of "just friends" who were members of the opposite sex, and nothing bad ever happened.

wsc9818y ago

Just speaking for myself: I have never persued a friendship with a woman if I was not at least attracted to her.

throwaway911118y ago

That is so odd to me. Why would you pursue (platonic) relationships with men if there's no attraction? Are you only attracted to women? (I'm assumig you're male.)

Or are you talking about sexual attraction? Do you view women as only sexual? I am simply trying to figure out what men provide that women can or do not.

Personally (as a man) I can't make heads or tails out of how to interact with other men outside of work; I am precisely the opposite of you.

1 more reply

autokad8y ago

>"I have never persued a friendship with a woman if I was not at least attracted to her."

if that is the case, it doesn't sound like you are actually pursuing friendships

thepaulstella8y ago

Wow, that's sad.

1 more reply

matz18y ago

Let say a particular woman is not sexually attractive to you but get along very well with you, would you still not interested to be friend with her?

1 more reply

mcbruiser38y ago

of course. because, generally speaking, men and women have very few shared interests or behaviors (and that's not sarcasm in case it wasn't clear)

MiddleEndian8y ago

Personally, I have plenty female friends with whom I know there is no attraction.

manicdee8y ago

Apparently the writer of the article can not comprehend the difference between attraction and action.

I can find someone attractive without trying to have sex with them. Men and women can be "just friends", and this is not incompatible with "men are more likely to find friends sexually attractive."

Whether this is due to biology, sociology, culture, or space aliens is anyone's guess.

cmac29928y ago

Am I crazy or is their surprisingly little quantitative data? Are we talking a 5% effect or 80%?

antisthenes8y ago

Ah, the undergraduates. The most studied group in America!

rustynails8y ago

I call bs on this one. I've had too many instances of being explicitly hit on (about 1 in 3 of good female friends at a guess) to believe the "women aren't attracted to male friends".

However, I have plenty of female friends who I just like because they are amazing people.

j / k navigate · click thread line to collapse