One more anecdote about that book. In his Playboy interview, Marlon Brando referred to it as "a book on hustling."
I bring this up because for some crazy reason, in the United States, this kind of "interpersonal communications" stuff is promoted as a great thing. And yet, like you say, it boils down to a person having an angle. I read that book when I was a freshman in college and thought it was fantastic. A little while later though I read the Marlon Brando interview, and after my initial shock I realized that he was basically right.
For every individual who develops a "genuine interest in other people" (as the book implores its readers to do), there have to be five or ten others who read that book and think only how it will help them make a buck.
At least the Chinese are unsentimental about it.
For example, if you are a friend of a friend of a friend, then you're "in."
Since most East Asians will refer to their cousins as brothers or sisters directly, they also consider friends of friend's to be their direct friend.
Of course if you're a stranger, then you're a complete stranger. Whereas in American culture, we are much more polite to strangers.
Seems more incidental and less tactical. Leave it to the listener to comprehend that Bob has a regular day caring for children. It's also enough for the listener to share that they also have kids, etc.
I just try to be as much of myself as I can. No use trying to please people looking to find offense. It's exhausting worrying all of the time about what other people think. It's easier for me to just be myself and make no apologies for it. If they like me great. If they don't, that is fine too. Can't please everyone and don't have the time to focus on pleasing everyone.
Additionally, I am perfectly happy if someone thinks I'm important enough to them that they need to sell themselves to me or would even want to put in the effort to build a personal relationship with me.
In fact, there's at least one study that has shown that "those who are highly nice to their peers are more likely to stab them in the back than their less polite counterparts"
ymmv and all that, but there's a fine line between being friendly and coming off as a slimy salesman. Many (most?) people's defenses go waaaay up if you cross that line.
I know people who cultivate the self-disclosure thing and it always comes off as kind of awkward and weird. A little bit forced, you know? Like, this feels very calculated, why are you doing this.
