Ask HN: Do you think career and family is either-or?

- 6am work at home

- 8am work at office

- 6pm dinner with family at home, or cheer at kids' athletic events

- 8pm work at home

- 11pm or 12am, sleep

- In early days, he slept on couch near computer to take customer support calls at night.

It wasn't until I was older that I realized how much my family was prioritized.

That said, my mom wanted to be a full time caregiver and did an amazing job of it, so his caregiving responsibilities were not nearly as extensive as my mother's.

>> my partner would like a big family...

>> She also grew up in a richer family than mine. She seems to be used to a higher life quality. I feel some pressure about it. but I have never talked with her about it for the fear for disagreement...

This is not about "career vs. family" but "your way of life vs. her way of life". If you want to build a company and try to make a fortune first and have a family later then you have to tell it to her. She may leave you, but hey, living your own life as a single entrepreneur is much better than living someone else's life as a married man.

1. Entrepreneurs are doomed to "fall", to failure.

2. Being an entrepreneur requires much greater time than being an employee.

Both those are assumptions are true if you go traditional VC-funded startup route, for example.

But there are examples of entrepreneurs who have built companies around a 40-hour work week, and around making money, instead of "5 billion dollar valuation or bust." (VC-funded companies usually go bust, as it turns out.) See https://stackingthebricks.com/how-do-you-create-a-product-pe... for some suggestions on how to go in that direction.

If you reread your questions, you will see that they are incredibly career-centric, so you already have the answer that is right for you.

For the love of all that is holy, please don't have kids (or even a relationship for that matter) as some kind of career accessory.

If she doesn't have a job, as a wannabe entrepreneur you won't have much income nor any health benefits. You'll have plenty of time, but no money to live. Having a baby (in the US) costs A LOT of money. Before, during and after.

So don't think too much about building a family if you haven't even started your entrepreneurial journey. Thinking about being distracted by kids at home after work is a 9-5 people's problem. Entrepreneurs can survive with no money. Having kids will make that almost impossible. You can totally build a family now but your personal goals we'll be delayed by a lot of years until your kids become financially independent.

I have 4 boys all healthy and a decent career. It's gone well for me, but there were scary parts...it increased the personal stress a lot in times like when my start-up/s failed.

It never hampered my ambition though. My wife and I are a team. We've spent 6 months plus apart as I pursued start-ups in Texas and during YC. I've never looked at my family as holding me back in any way.

This is pretty much my experience too, and I have just one child. Which is more than enough.

I can't help but agree with many of the already voiced opinions, because yes, "it depends". However... in my case, I have gone as far as to state, on several occasions, that if you want to work in tech and retain your sanity there is only one sensible option:

Do. Not. Breed. -- I have come to believe that a good part of this comes from my staunch certainty that bringing a person without their consent to this world is morally corrupt. The planet is over sustainable capacity already. Why should we exacerbate the problem?

However, it's important to note something. Even with my personal opinion being what it is, I am still happy and supportive of anyone making their own decision and going against my conviction. It's their choice and they believe it right. Who am I to judge?

I am not going to claim that my opinion is correct or right. Nonetheless, it's mine.

The problem you may run into though is stability. If your spouse isn't planning to work, then you need a stable source of income. When you're single it's far easier to cut back on your expenses than it is when you have kids. You can live in shared housing, eat spaghetti every day, wear the same two shirts for a couple years, and not really be any worse off for it. But you can't really avoid buying diapers.

So, entrepreneurship may be more difficult due to that. And really all outside-of-work ambitions do get tougher. I'd love to go for an advanced degree, and my wife even supports it "in theory". But the reality is, with two young kids at home, there's no time to maintain a stable job, take care of kids in a way that's remotely fair to my wife, and commit to a huge time suck like grad school. And frankly, I'd rather hang out with the kids. Though it did take a couple years to get to that point. There was absolutely regret on my side in the beginning, for quite a while.

Your original question was career vs family though. I think career is fine. As long as your job provides steady income and you're efficient with your time, I don't see any problem that kids would introduce in terms of advancing quickly in your career.

Also note, even entrepreneurship isn't impossible. I've got two friends that started a small consulting company around the same time they had kids. But they had a steady stream of clients at the start and always did good work, and also had enough savings to survive any hiccups they encountered, so it worked out for them. The "unicorn" startup may be more difficult though.

You likely won't get very meaningful responses here because you are asking a question that is far more personal than you realize. And even if you did get deep, meaningful replies from the heart, most of them would not be pertinent because the heart's of other people are not your heart and may not be anything like your heart.

Don't let this discourage you. Yes, it is a lot harder to do anything with family and specially kids. But can you have a great career with a big family ? Absolutely. It just requires a lot more dedication, hard work and commitment from your end.

So don't ask yourself "Career or family". Ask yourself "Do I have it in me to have a great career along with a great family ? ".

I still do side projects and a bit of consulting (remotely), but most of my time is kid or house related. If I wasn't doing this, I'd be a director level manager at some software company probably.

I know a lot of folks where both spouses are working and "successful", but their kids are typically quite the opposite. Freeloaders, lazy, on drugs, still living at home with no plan to leave, etc. It's hard enough to find quality child care, but nothing can replace a present, caring parent.

A family can be stressful OR rewarding.

For me, the family gave me a reason to leave work at a healthy hour. It gave me a "success" when the business was failing.

It kept me from being social isolated by the business.

One big unknown is what will happen after you or your partner has spent a few years as the primary care giver. The non-primary care giver will have to be flexible, adaptable and accept the situation will almost certainly change as the children progress from babies to school-aged.

If you are of an average first child age, have 2 children, live in a developed country, and live a statistical ~83 years, you'll have significant time obligations to young kids for ~15 years. Then again you'll have a relationship with them for ~50 years, so it's a small fraction of time for the many decades of love.

Truthfully, I know what he really meant with his words: he had a wife and family who were his primary concern and he was happy to put his professional concerns on the back burner to give them a good life and to be able to enjoy that good life with them.

I am 25 and I am managing two start ups (as VP and CEO), both of which will have multi-million exits in the next five years. In addition, I have a couple of side projects I am involved with, mostly company shares managed through my holding.

So, I'd say I am a career guy in the middle of that very career. And at this point, there is hardly any time for family things. I often don't have weekends, nor holidays. And I work like 14hs every day.

However, friends of mine are working for large enterprises, and they have a 40-50h week in middle-management. They also have their career but with time for family.

So I would say it really depends on the kind of career path someone's taking.

I analyzed her too logically, weighing too much about our differences. I didn't treat her as a teammate to solve our common problems. We didn't communicate enough.

The past few hours was the darkest time of my life. Only now I realized how much I loved her. I regret it so much.

Because I love them, it not only game me a noble reason to be productive, but they also made sure that I did it efficiently so I can spend time with them.

Ironically my (our) net wealth has increased fastest while having children simply by buying a suitable house before a boom kicked off in my city. Outstripping my wages and any E(V) from starting a business!

You don't want to hear the experiences of those whose spouse does work?