Wait... you're tone policing haskell users after referring to even the _adaptation_ of functional techniques as a "crime against humanity?"
Please rethink this approach. It is a bad approach. It fails to capture (what I think you) your argument (is) and antagonizes people needlessly. And quite frankly, a lot of people are being VERY nice by not following in the tradition of absolutely burying javascript for its nonsensical primitive type semantics.