The amount of focus and effort required in building a startup is incredible, but molecular chemistry is a tough adversary that doesn't fight fair. I'm curious how others have dealt with similar situations. Really love to read some war stories. Anyone?
She said: Of course, after all you are a businessman. The job comes first.
I said: No. Not first. Not second, either, unless first is "all the things I love in life."
I had a really really awful no-good bad day today, buisnesswise. It was easily my worst ever on that score. But you know, in the greater scheme of things, if the code fails and the disk dies and my database goes to meet the great truncate in the sky, it will be very stressful for a few weeks, but I'll still have my family, my friends, my girlfriend, my faith, my health, etc.
We've got a lot of pressure and responsibility running companies, but at the end of thhe day, it is a job. You don't live to work, you work to live.
I, for one, adore programming and would do it even if I was working as a bank clerk.
Obviously there are awful days and truly crap aspects of running a business, and even when coding, as things you love aren't a pure, crystalline edifice of positivity but necessarily embody suffering within them. What counts is the net meaningfulness of what you are doing, I think. And I believe when you are doing something you love it pays infinitely more than it costs.
I say this with all respect, as you have achieved amazing things, and are clearly a very competent (far better than me) hacker.
I appreciate the praise, but folks overestimate my skill at hacking. I'm good at it. There are a lot of people better at it than me, including on HN.
To be fair, I'm pretty sure US-based friends would ask the same except that most of them are technically inclined, so it's not usually necessary.
Not exactly: you don't live to work, but you don't work to live. Working is living, it's just that living is not just working.
Keep things balanced, and everything will be going better and better.
A bad one will make it much, much worse.
Either way, it's out of your control. If you're in love, you're in love. Make the most of it.
These things are not mutually exclusive. If you take an all or nothing view, you're being naive. You can have some percentage of a solid relationship and career (whether a startup or something else).
Life is messy. You'll have to decide if your relationship allows you enough time to meet your personal goals and if that even matters. Only you can make this determination.
As for me, I've been with my wife for over 10 years (most of it dating), and... honestly? I think this relationship has had an adverse effect on my goals. I, kind of, think I'd be much more rich and successful had I never met my wife. On the other hand, when she's gone for a weekend, I always think, "I'll get so much done when she's gone"... but, I often end up mired in the "blahs" until she returns. And, honestly...
I think I've slowed down a lot as I've gotten older. I think back on things I accomplished in 3 week coding marathons when I was in college and, while I think I'm a better programmer now... well, I don't repeat those accomplishments. I get more done in less time, but I'm not able to sustain a marathon for multiple weeks. You may be different, or that might be part of getting older.
Ultimately, I've been moderately successful (my business represents the bulk of our income), but not wildly successful. I've come to think less is more... and, I'm happy with that. I doubt I'd be happier single with a larger business and more money.
But that's me...
Define successful?
New love and startups have about the same failure rate. No?
Aw well. Startup or no startup, being in a bad relationship is a giant liability anyway.
(Usual disclaimers - men also want love and women also enjoy working on a vision.).
No, it's not. But just forcing oneself, and redirecting your attention for something that you dream to turn big.
She doesn't work, and building my startup full-time is VERY stressful - especially since I am bootstrapping, more or less.
As al3x pointed out though, a good mate can really make it MUCH better. I am blessed to have a wife that is understanding and doesn't NEED to go shopping and is high maintenance. Of course, every girl likes to be pampered - but she is very laid back and supportive of what I am doing.
That makes the tough days when everybody else is suggesting that maybe I should 'get a real job' much easier to handle and brush off.
I actually think it is easier to do a startup with an understanding wife, because it adds balance and sanity to your life.
But if you get a bad match...yikes...run!
If you find your relationship distracts you from work you want to be doing, and find yourself wishing you were doing work and weren't with your significant other, end the relationship.
I know I am supposed to be naturally deeply passionate about every single thing in my life all the time -- that is apparently now standard for educated people, nobody ever feels blasé about anything; feeling blasé is for poor people and stupid people -- but (gasp, horror of horrors) passion is sometimes hard to come by for me. Loving someone gives everything a special glow. Loving someone makes my accomplishments meaningful. Loving someone gives me a reason to rewrite something that was good enough the first time. Loving someone gives me a reason to stay late doing something that will make an impact but won't translate into pay or advancement.
A muse brings everything into sharp relief and makes everything feel more vital and dramatic. It doesn't have anything to do with sex -- a muse can have this effect even if you can't have her, and sleeping with girls you aren't so excited about has the opposite effect, flattening everything out so that accomplishment and slacking off feel exactly the same.
It may even work better in the short run when your muse is inaccessible. In that case you have freedom to manage your side of the "relationship" without worrying about the consequences for her. A muse who loves you back has staying power, though.
Be grateful as hell. It doesn't happen to everybody.
You might find that your professional success--perhaps your emotional investment in your business--gives rise to turmoil in your relationship. Many of us strive to get big, go public, get acquired, acquire others, merge, etc. These events are typically wins, but the downsides are loss of control, loss of interest, and perhaps even a bit of depression as a result.
I hope you're successful. If you feel a little off in the course of things, don't let it poison your relationship. Recognize it, act on it, but don't react.
"Dear Mrs. Chown, Ignore your son's attempts to teach you physics. Physics isn't the most important thing. Love is. Best wishes, Richard Feynman."
I've done it, and come through the other side with the love of my life. ^_^
Destinations are always pointless, its always the journey. Think of this as a detour from your startup life. In the longer run, detours will give you valuable perspective and make your journeys more meaningful.
During the day when she goes to school, I work on my project. At times when I can't stand the loneliness, I get out and just hop on a random metro to read or observe people. At night, we cook, talk, and watch movies together. I'm having the best time of my life even though the future is a little scary to think about. I hope you enjoy yours as well, best of luck to your startup.
All and all, I do consider the force that makes me obsessed with a project to the point I can't get up for hours on end the same one as the one that makes me neglect the project a week later to experience a wonderful new and intense experience and I'm grateful for it. I'm lucky that I have the freedom to wander wherever my passion is at the moment.
'poor and content is rich, and rich enough'
If we base our self esteem and judge our success by the work we do, then we'll always be found wanting. The ultimate goal of life is happiness in ourselves or others (which in turn often brings us happiness). While a successful start up may bring us satisfaction/money, it is ultimately only a cornerstone in our lives.
Enjoy it! Looks to me like it's helping.
Always.
I personally can be more focused while I'm working when I am in a relationship, so I would see it as a benefit. When I'm not in a relationship, there often seems to be this extra "to-do" item that is never done :)
Some people, they fall in love, and that becomes the thing that guides their decisions in their life.
Other people don't - they love their work so much that they put it before anything else. Or, they just don't meet someone, and instead put their energy toward their work.
But it's still possible to use that support as fuel to motivate you. It's just a matter of prioritizing, and making sure you don't neglect either of these important elements in your life.
I hope you're sure the other party doesn't see this. Can't imagine that would go down too well.
That's all I am to you? Amino acid chains?
If obsession with love can be reduced to chemistry, then obsession with business must necessarily be understood similarly, and with a similar inward scepticism.
But yeah. However much you enjoy your work, it's not going to benefit it long term to let it give you tunnel vision. However fulfilling it is, you cannot live a one dimensional life and still be happy forever.
I'm dating a psychologist, who has a reductionist approach to such things. She says things like "You just gave me a massive surge of oxytocin." It's awesome.
No darling, of course not! Fatty acids, if deposited in right places in the right amounts, may also produce a visual sensation that will trigger the emotional response in the occipital lobe!
Well, sure. Should you have? I doubt it.
You'll be able to hack and do startups the rest of your life. Most likely you'll only have a few chances to fall in love. I recommend making the most of them. (This goes double if you want to get married and have a family.)
