Ask HN: How to deal with old grumpy colleague?

I try very, very hard not to be the grumpy old man. But I have seen some stuff, and it’s a hard balancing act to maintain.

If I have been acting as the grumpy old man, then I would actually really appreciate someone telling me that, because that is not who I want to be. And I do want to connect with younger engineers and developers.

I am actively interested in being a mentor to younger co-workers, and I find that they help me to become a better version of myself, through their questions and their perspective. If nothing else, I have found that the only way to truly and deeply learn some subject is to try to teach it to someone else.

So, I would encourage you to talk to the guy. Maybe he could become a mentor of yours and you could learn how to understand him better and communicate with him better, and he might appreciate that.

Or maybe not. But you won’t know unless you try to talk to him.

“No nonsense” is just a communication style and you should appreciate he isn’t wasting your time. He isn’t dating you.

Condescending is another matter. I’d get a calibration from others to see whether they think he actually is condescending, or whether you are projecting. If you’re in your 30s and haven’t just gotten out of your parents’ basement, it’s probably the former. Look for an opportunity to prove to him his attitude towards you is wrong, or maybe even turn the tables. Demonstrating extreme competence, especially on more current topics or areas outside of his expertise, would probably work. I would guess that if you give him the intellectual equivalent of a slap in the face, you will end up resetting him.

But who knows? Maybe after 20 more years of meetings, you’ll end up like him...

Does he have any formal responsibilities at all or is he an éminence grise, probably with some patents or a major product under his belt, but no portfolio of products or services?

Does he do drive bys, stepping in just long enough to interject then walk away, or does he sit through and participate in the discussion?

It’s tempting to say to ignore him, the problem is that if he truly has no responsibilities but is still employed, he's valued by your company in some way for some reason, and he can knee cap your projects or career and you'll likely never know.

If his comments actually add value then you can try to interact with him. If he's just wasting everyone's time, get your immediate management chain on your side, and then knee cap him at the next opportunity that avails.

I'm now his (likely) age. When I was much younger (late 20s) I tried to tolerate and make nice with people like this and it likely helped end my career at that employer. I don't mean you need to be mean to him, but if he's wasting your time, and he's wasting everyone's time at these meetings, then he's wasting company time. It doesn't show up anywhere except that you're not getting things done as rapidly as expected, meanwhile he's off derailing another meeting. There's no OKR or PBC for "successfully derails meetings" and most company cultures don't measure negative impact until an employee is already on a performance plan. But these employees are toxic and need to be called out.

Tactically: get someone in your management change who is comparable or higher in seniority to him on your side who can either attend some of these meetings or be ready to “just drop in” if he shows up. Let that person make the call on whether or not it's a problem for the business, and address the problem. If you try to do so you're more likely to get flagged than he is.

If he is a general blow hard just ignore him.