Tell HN: A 30-something CS undergrad struggling with life

FWIW, I'm also about a decade behind-the-curve because of childhood trauma. I'm reminded of it every day - peers within my age group have exceeded me in every imaginable way.

The cool thing though, is that your CS degree is going to empower you with a lethal skillset, whether or not you graduate. Especially if you keep practicing those social skills as you work on your studies.

I know this is a "Tell HN", and I hesitate to offer unsolicited advice. But I'll share with you, what I wish someone would have shared with me:

- Delayed career progression isn't a big deal. Just frame it as an interesting story.

- You can make your story more interesting by learning to love and cultivate your skillset. Maybe reading Atomic Habits inspires you to build a personal habit-tracking application. That sort of thing is a powerful differentiator.

- You probably won't use most of what you're learning in academia. I wish I had supplemented by University studies with a coding bootcamp that taught me how to build real apps for real people.

- Interviewing is a total numbers game. It took me ~20 interviews to get an offer that excited me. My GPA was shit - but my side projects were interesting to the people who handled my interview loop.

- It sounds cliche, but defining a five-year vision (ie - working for a FAANG corp making $>150k/y) can help. You can split those years up into months, and those months up into weeks, and then determine what you should be measuring and working on to meet your targets every week.

I also wanted to thank you for the reminder to take care of my body. I've been getting lazy (easy with gyms closed) and your post was great reminder to resume measuring and improving my nutrition/exercise habits. Much appreciated.

It sounds like you had a difficult and traumatic past. My parents never beat me but they weren't there emotionally for me and they themselves were emotionally immature (and in some sense still are). They stayed together for us kids and that was a disaster. I am still dealing with the fallout. But as kids we are highly perceptive and learn coping skills to manage in an environment we have little control over. We take these skills through our lives even when they no longer serve a purpose or help us thrive.

In general, it is our thoughts that create our mood. I suggest reading the book Feeling Great by David Burns MD or his older book Feeling Good. He also has a podcast. That's what some people call bibliotherapy and then well podcastherapy. https://feelinggood.com/category/dr-davids-blogs/feeling-goo... If you can find a therapist I would go see one. Schools usually have one available. Others have sliding scales. Focus on specific issues you have and take it one day at a time. The patterns in the mind are quite consistent and common so just as you trust a doctor to heal a broken bone you should trust the professionals to help you through challenging times and give you tools for the future.

We measure ourselves based on years and often lose sight of that it is the days that build us. And these days are built on hours. Start small.

Your CS education will help you and if you enjoy it and programming then you will go far. Education is the most powerful force we have to improve our lot in life. You don't have to be perfect. There are plenty of folks who failed out of high school, got a GED and then eventually went to medical school and even graduate school. Like the stock market past performance is not a predictor of future success.

One of the best advice I've been given about depression is: "stop trying to control something that's fundamentally out of your control."

Just let it go.[0][1]

Do the best you can do with what has been given to you right now. (And make sure you don't go the extremist route.) Keep reading, learning and working out (start with simple calisthenics f.e., then progress to weight lifting or do some other sport just make sure your body is physically active). Improve yourself as much as possible, but, again, don't over do it.

Allow your mind to be occupied by something else. Reward yourself once you achieved a goal established by you. Maybe write your own To Do list. Focus on that.

Find balance in all things around you.

And if you need to look back, do it because you're remembering a forgotten and useful lesson and not because you want to change something from your past.

Chin up and stay strong. You can do it. Keep going.

[0] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjwLienADFQ (it's a metaphor!)

[1] - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoenix_(mythology)