This really seems hard to credit at face value. The thing that most strikes me is
> Gentoo (on the laptop, and elsewhere—probably my most-used personal distro)
> In hindsight I can tell that I'd become blind to all the time I was losing to it. I'd lose 30 minutes or a whole day fucking with dumb shit that I never should have had to
Gentoo really isn't as much a distro as a personal distribution construction kit given that you can trivially swap out major components and put the resulting pieces together however you please rebuilt with any set of options you most prefer. If you were losing a lot of time its possible that this experience wasn't worthwhile meanwhile other people were using gentoo with the just the software they needed and not constantly messing with it and it was presumably working for them.
Having used a derivative of Gentoo I can say with confidence that it IS a lot more work and things that are set up for you rely on YOU to set them up including even building software with options that will enable the feature you desire to actually work. I multiple times ran into software that didn't work as expected because I hadn't built it with that option and started reading the use flags on software before installing it.
Because Linux is a large ecosystem with software provided by groups ranging from professional companies and excellent amateurs all the way to your cousin bob and his 3 friends you are going to see a variety of differing experiences as I'm sure you are aware. I have several times over 18 years installed distros to realize that something was holy shit wrong with the way they were run but as it comes out I was out a few hours and moved on to one of many better run software projects.
If you find software including distributions/desktops/browsers/tools that you have to work around random crashes consider installing different software. There is plenty of functional, stable, useful software for Linux. Your complaints kind of read like someone who has found the worst Italian restaurant in their city and loudly exclaimed that Italian food is universally awful because it consists mostly of soggy noddles and burnt meat. Well it doesn't.
