Ask HN: How does one move on after a divorce?

Mind you, your ex-wife has more or less said the same thing to you by actually getting the divorce already.

Face it. It's over. She doesn't (can't !!) matter to you any more. Turn the page. Burn your bridges. Step out the back, Jack. I was 42 when I had to start again. Let me tell you that old saying is correct: "Life begins at 40!."

You need to work on your lowish self-esteem. It's what's telling you that there can't be anybody else after her. But yes there can. Read up on some books regarding how couples split up. A good one for me (but 30 years ago) was a book called 'Passages' by Gail Sheehy, which explained what mental and emotional changes occur in people as they get older and go through the various stepping-stones of life. I was able to see why my wife left me too. And also to understand that the marriage break-up wasn't all my fault but was due to both of us.

Oh, my story? Almost exactly 12 months later I moved in with a woman who I later married. We've been together now for 34 years.

When a relationship ends, there is a loss, often a deep one. And because cognitive dissonance is hard, we automatically reinforce rather than balance that feeling of loss. So right now you're focusing on how this is terrible and a major negative in your life and how wonderful she was - catastrophizing the breakup rather than coping with it.

Try making a list of everything that you didn't like about her and the relationship. Also make a list of everything you don't like about the future potential of that relationship. Remind yourself of the things on these lists regularly. A key one to include: given that she ended things "abruptly" you likely feel abandoned. So let me ask you this: knowing what you know now about her, do you think she'd stay by your bedside when you're on your deathbed? However bad it is to be abandoned now, it's much worse to be abandoned when you're alone and scared.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-to-recover-fr...

The first, is that whatever you believed you loved about her was just in your head. Her actions have proven she's not the woman you thought she was, so your dreams about the type of life you could have with her are just that; dreams. A phantasm of your imagination that you'll need to let go of. What you think she is and what she actually is are two entirely different things.

The second is that whatever you felt for her, you can feel for someone else. You'll find another person you care about. She isn't the only one.

Whenever you start pining for her, try to remember these things and cut yourself off from any dreams of reconciliation; remind yourself of the facts of the situation and move on.

I've sent you a message via twitter already, but if you're interested, take a peak at my other post [1]. Would love to have a more sustained, understanding conversation with you.

All the best, Sam

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31065876

Time dulls grief.

But one day the the pain will end. And you will be able to look back without overwhelming feelings. What is important is that you will not do too much damage to yourself in the meantime.