This is what human translators came up with.

"I was a thirty-four-year-old man with no job and nowhere to live. I was a nice guy, but I was on the heavy side, didn't have good looks going for me, and was in the midst of regretting my entire life. I'd only been homeless for about three hours. Before that, I'd been the classic, stereotypical, long-time shut-in who wasn't doing anything with his life. And then, all of a sudden, my parents died. Being the shut-in that I was, I obviously didn't attend the funeral, or the family gathering thereafter. It was quite the scene when they kicked me out of the house afterward."

So the DeepL one seems more close. Though the Human writers do take some liberties and not entirely 1:1 accurate.