I’m in a vicious cycle of working, but not feeling satisfied with my work, excessive studying, weird sleep schedules, bad thoughts. I’m to a point where I feel that I may need external help and not sure how it works. I’d love to hear experiences from people who may have gone through a similar experience.
A good therapist is someone who:
- Really listens to you, and doesn't dismiss your feelings and experiences or try to put them in a box.
- (Gently) pushes you to dig into things and really uncover real stuff that leads you to progress. Some therapists just offer vague encouragement that feels nice for a bit but doesn't really help long-term.
- You trust. At least for me, there were some deep existential/identity developments I had to make. And I had to be aligned enough with my therapist on the big questions that I trusted them to help me along in the right direction. They won't ever have all the answers for you (be wary of those who say they do!); ultimately those come from you. But they're going to be an integral part of the process, so you have to be compatible as a team.
It took me three tries to find a therapist that was really right for me. It could take more than that. But it's absolutely changed my life in ways that nothing else could have.
One other tip: different therapists have different styles. At least for me and the people I know, "cognitive-behavioral" therapy was pretty useless. It tends to treat symptoms rather than causes. I recommend "parts-work"/IFS, which gets at the root causes and encourages you to identify and heal dissonance between different parts of yourself so that you can be on your own side instead of being in inner conflict. That said- everyone's different, and I'm sure other styles work for some people out there.
Best of luck.
And I admit that the first pass was a lot on how they looked, whether they seemed like somebody I would trust. That was distressingly like dating, and I kinda worried that I was actually applying the same criteria.
I finally found somebody like 20 pages down. It wouldn't have occurred to me to use the keywords that would have led me to that person, but it felt correct. I talked with them and a few other top candidates, and picked the one who seemed right.
It has worked out very well. Incidentally, they're also doing parts/IFS type things.
You can at least find out what help looks like and get à better perspective on your problems.
If you want to feel differently and are willing to spend effort on change, a therapist can hear you say that to them, and then help guide you through various steps to feel differently, and also be there to support you through the process of change.
"Anxiety is great until it's not." -probably someone
My experience with therapy helped me to recognize and choose not to doubt and undermine myself, resulting in overall improvement in happiness. So, Yes therapy has been helpful for me.
Also, it is ok to seek out "new" therapists who're still under supervision themselves.
Would definitely give it a try and understand that not only is therapy a process, but finding a therapist is a process. Also worth working on other areas - taking care of your health, sleep, vacation - in parallel.
In the end it is your decision, but given that your partner brought it up, you might consider doing it just for them. I have never been the receiving end of therapy, but I believe there is nearly nobody who could not profit from it in some way.
Psychodynamic therapy is like refactoring your brain: you look at old patterns you haven’t thought about in years, consider if they are still serving you, and make small, incremental changes that increase your cohesion of self & improve the interfaces with the rest of the world.
CBT is like bug bashing: find a problem, fix that line of code. If that line is the only problem it is amazing. If there are external reasons for what you are feeling, or a bunch of code written under unrealistic deadlines with unexpected behavior all over the place, CBT isn’t designed to help.
First, sorry to hear about your vicious cycle. Based on what you wrote it sure seems like you owe it to yourself to at least try therapy.
The process is designed to be gentle, so in general it's one of the easier activities to try in the sense of tolerating newcomers. For example if you are more comfortable discussing your "current status" and things you've tried, or might try, but not comfortable getting into your feelings, you can typically be forthright about that and expect a reasonably assuring response.
If you have specific concerns or fears regarding therapy, IMO it's a good idea to write them down and see if they pan out, or share them with your therapist as an objective way of showing that you are bringing your best circumspect self to therapy. They may also help by providing additional context.
In case it's also relevant, my professional area of interest, personality dynamics, involves the ways in which people work together well, or don't, and so I'd also note that it is often a good idea to try multiple therapists and see which pairing (you & them) is working out. People have personas / personalities into which they naturally self-organize, and if that persona is not one you enjoy being open with in a therapeutic setting, it may be time to move along.
Personally, I once had a therapist who was engaged with some clients (particularly those who enjoyed sports) yet he literally fell asleep on others. Another seemed disinterested and burnt out. These things can happen. But I also had another therapist who was fantastic for me--he told really funny jokes, recommended very useful books, and was really brilliant in lots of ways that were relevant to my situation.
Since you're coming from tech AFAIK, one thing I'll mention is that a lot of us tech people also make really good critics. We can sometimes shoot the messenger (therapist in this case) too easily, especially if we start earnestly researching what we think they are trying to do for us, and where they get all their ideas, and so on.
If this may apply to you, it's a good idea to focus on the things you are _trying for yourself_ and what the objective _results_ are. If you can measure those results (scoring your day, etc.) for example, all the better.
Anyway, just some thoughts, hang in there & good luck.
I'd like to find out.
I can't convince my wife to go to couples therapy for communication and expectations. The kicker is that it was originally her idea...
Caveat: Finding a good therapist that works for you and your situation.
Lots of other good information from others here, especially brundolf.
Other things to consider:
You can 'date around' at the beginning to speed up finding someone suitable - since getting to know a therapist takes a while and you might need to try two or three (or more) you should consider seeing several concurrently to begin with, Which might also make it easier for you to compare which suits you best.
Keep it to yourself - Not that you shouldn't share things with your partner or anyone who you want to, but if You're expecting to give reports on what's going on with your therapist to someone else afterwards, It's only ever going to be performative and never really about you if it's private - your own little opaque box of external-consequenceless space and time - then it can only be about you.
They are your consultant - framing matters and, given stereotypes and received perspectives, it can be quite easy to view it as some variation of submission to somebody else or punishment for failure because you're incapable - A better way to view it is that you've got this engine you that isn't working quite how you want it to and you've gone to a specialist consultant who you want to help you analyse and understand what's going on, the context is happening in, how it can be adjusted and then to help you actually adjust it - because it's you that's going to have to adjust it. They can't actually do anything or just tell you a magic secret perspective that will somehow fix it. You have to go and do things.
Look them up - and the different types of therapy they offer - there are lots, and humans have been helping each other figure out how to be OK for tens of thousands of years - all sorts exist, e.g. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_analytic_therapy
If you don't change, you won't change - one way or another, one thing or another, something has to change in order for your situation to change, maybe a lot of things. People variously describe this as 'difficult' or 'painful' or something similar. You'll learn things about yourself and the way you work that change decisions you make, will make, and would have changed decisions you made in the past if you knew at the time - this means you'll not only feel regret, but also feel resistance to change because of what that means you have to accept - the Sunk Cost Fallacy might not be 100% applicable in considerations like this, but it's a useful heuristic to keep in mind.
You will change - and that means not only for yourself, but also for others around you. Don't stay the same for them (expecting anyone else to not grow or change in order to satisfy you probably isn't in your idea of 'good') Accept that, and make peace with your not just your stress and anxiety lessening/going away being the only consequences.
Changing how you feel about progress, and how you drive yourself, and how you hold onto goals (or whatever you're studying and working for) will probably at some point feel like giving up on them or accepting that you're lesser or your goals won't be reached and you need to moderate them - however you alter your goals or how you feel about your goals, you should know that it's entirely possible to end up way more productive in terms of actual output afterwards.
Final note: it'll be a weird experience - enjoy observing it happening to you and the curiosity of it.
