As the title says, I[31] lost my dad. I have a sister, mum and mum’s mum. Dad[57] earned good money and supported them. We think he had a stroke or something with the heart. The investigation is still ongoing.
I understand alot has fallen on my shoulders. Maybe not to full extent but some. My sister[16] needs to be educated and before I thought she wanted to go to medical school and I already imagined this to be hard but possible to support her through it. Today I found she wants to be a singer superstar. I really hope this is a phase and don’t know how to talk to her about it. I do not want to discourage her but I also want her to have a good life. I said music is a great hobby. So I kept it at that. But honestly I felt really upset and angry. I have never even heard her sing. She has been attending private tutors for singing and piano for some while. Said she will participate in some contests in the next two years.
My mother earns minimum wage, I hope she gets to have some of father’s earned pension when the time comes. The help from government pratically doesn’t exist. I said I will support her with money. She is being pessimistic but with my support they can be ok. I had other dreams but ok some things require sacrifice. Thankfully dad bought a nice, smaller apartment because it was too big for three of them and the utilities were very high. He got a mortgage for the new apartment and the bank now owns the old one.
Mother should get compensation enough to cover the mortgage if not I will pay up. And then the old appartment could be rented out or sold.
My dad worked in offshore so he would regularly be away. When he would be away me and mum would sometimes get into arguments I don’t even remember about what. When dad was home, we would have great relationship.
My gran, well, she is older so I think she can support me psychologically while I support the other two. First thing she said was that I have to become worthy of my father. My dad loved us very much and never abandoned.
I work away from them in a similar but psychologically harder job than my dad with much less pay and decided to stay working because I have been working here only for two weeks and I need the money. I come back in two months. I don’t know if I did the right thing but my gran says I did. Otherwise after a month I would need to look for another job.(Dad didn’t want a funeral/be burried I remember from childhood and mum also knows this, they agreed to have a farewell party when I come back). I hope I will manage to stay sane.
My dad paid my sister for reading books, she has a newer iPhone than me. I bought mine used. I hope she grows up normal and this financial hit and loss of father won’t sabbotage her, get into alcohol or drugs or promiscuity.
My mum has two rescued dogs that are also female and they live a better life than some people.
I am not married and no kids. Life goes on. Today I already felt this being too much for me. As in they will drive me crazy. I want them good. I cry everyday a bit but after the biggest cry the tears don’t come so much. I dread that they will come when life gets really hard. I sometimes feel anger towards dad for dying. I want it to be alright.
TL:DR Dad died, I[31M] have to support three women - mum, sister and grandmother. How do I keep it together being the only man surrounded with women?
You are together with your mum, sister, and grandmother, caring for _eachother_. They care for you, you care for them.
Not to sound too harsh, but we're not in the 50s or 60s anymore. We know today women are strong, capable and most of all caring. If you struggle with life currently, talk to them about it. They can help you atleast as much as you can help them.
Communicating openly and honestly about your feelings with them is incredibly important.
Don't worry about seeming weak to them - they will see right through your mask anyway as they are your relatives. Most likely you will find, that the expectations you put on yourself, do not match the expectations they have from you.
Hang in there!
There is nothing I can say to make it easier. But you should try to see this new role as an opportunity to give back to the people that raised you. I personally get great meaning and satisfaction from serving the people i love. I wish you the best of luck.
I mentioned in another comment that in two years she wants to go to Poland to study Operette. I told to my mother that this is on her. My sister doesn’t speak Polish even, she won’t have that financial support. I don’t know what to do. Do I continue like my father? He gave her some money(up to 100eur a month)for reading and good grades. I could do 50 easy. Do I try to have other hobbies and maybe something will peak her interest. I don’t know, I myself am hobbyless.
As parent it's one of the cruelest things I see in many cultures where parents burden their children in a way they were never burdened by their own parents. You say your dad had a good job but instead of investing in life insurance or the future he invested in iPhone and possibly other useless trinkets instead of a solid investment in the family stability. Now the worst case scenario has happened these failure are now a burden you must bare.
Since it seems you will choose accept this, it's quite likely you'll never have a family of your own. If you don't moderate the expectations of your family they will grind you too dust and happily take anything thing you give. You should have an honest conversation with them about what you're able to do and what you're not able to do and that the lifestyle must be different. Possibly they need to get jobs.
You need to consider long and hard about what you can do and how much of your future you're going to sacrifice for them. It's not wrong of you to consider yourself first. It's never wrong to do that. Because if you can't care for yourself then you can't ever care for anyone else.
I know this is blunt and I've traveled the world enough to know this goes against many cultures, but the time for that cultural mindset is changing. No longer is caring for the parents simply having them in village or in your home and giving them space and food. The modern expenses are much greater and therefore that cultural idea breaks down. Stealing 30 years of your child's adult life is unforgivable, I say that as a parent, especially when that part of your life is time you need to be earning money and establishing your own family.
If you were 50 and had raised your own kids and then taking care of your parents that's different because you've established your lineage.
Besides that, my dad loved good expensive stuff. Honestly, I think I should take an example from him here. This is the third appartment he has bought. So after my mother receives compensation she should have four appartments without any debt. One is for them, one is for granma, one I guess will be sold/rented out and the fourth one is where I grew up but we let a family live there for free almost because the appartment is in a state(I have and will ask them to help my mother). Also, I have my own place. This I say because you mentioned useless trinkets.
It is sad, because he was supposed to be already home now and he did not manage to insure his life last time, also he was planning to do the whole medical check that could have saved his life if he had done it earlier..
Somebody aswell said this is not my responsibility, honestly I don’t want it to be. But I do want to help. And this post is about me not being grinded into dust. I don’t want to feel like I will just leave them because it is too much.
The guy to which you are replying is 100% correct. This is not the time for luxury. And if those women won't understand this and complain then ghost them: your life has priority: DO NOT LET THEM DESTROY YOUR OWN LIFE JUST SO THAT THEY CAN LIVE SOME IGNORANT LUXURIOUS LIFE! YOUR (FUTURE) FAMILY/CHILDREN IS WHAT MATTERS MOST! Do not destroy your life with ignorant people!
Also: stop letting that family to live in that apartment rent free! YOU are what matters, not them. Charge them or kick them out and get a new family.
You don't need to be worthy of anyone but yourself. That is manipulation that parents/grandparents do on their children and it's horribly destructive as it will only riddle you with guilt. F** living up to your father, do the things that vibe with you.
Your sister will (somehow) need to come to terms that $$ is needed in life. If money is scarce then stop paying for her lessons and tell her to get a part time job as she must come to understand asap that things cost $$ in real life.
You young sister might not be able to bring in a lot of money, but she can atleast get a part time job to cover her own expenses/hobbies. Everyone can do what they can.
But if they refuse to do atleast the things they can then it's byebye, not your problem anymore.
Imagine this scenario: if the women fail to understand that you have your own desire and will to live your own life and instead demand that you bend and destroy your own life so that they can do stupid stuff themselves: well, do you realize how selffish they are and how little they truly care about you?
As someone else said here, it is my duty to support them.
1) First off, it is your duty to help and look after your Mother/Grandmother/Sister as long as possible. You are all in it together and each have to be clear about their responsibilities and contributions so that your family as a whole is stable. Best case is relatives/friends help out and worst case is you are on your own. The latter is what you need to prepare for.
2) Second, set your Mental Attitudes right. Build up Fortitude and dial down Expectations and Wants drastically. Your mantra should be "a bird in hand is worth two in the bush" until you achieve a financial sweet spot. The immediate future is going to be very difficult and unless and until you "keep it together" things are apt to blowup. Be prepared to do a lot of sacrifices.
3) Third, Financial planning and stability is everything at this stage. You and your Mother absolutely need to keep your jobs and bring in some steady income. Grandma can take care of household chores along with your Sister. No money should be "wasted" on anything frivolous. Everybody should know and be asked to deliver on their specific Responsibilities.
4) Fourth, i foresee your Sister as a source of possible problems in the near future. All of you need to sit down with her and make her realize the precariousness of your current situation and how she needs to "grow up" now. No unnecessary expenses and if possible she too needs to get a job asap and help out the family. Only after you have reached a financial sweet spot should she (and anybody else) be allowed to indulge in their "Dreams".
Good Luck!
I do not want to have a serious talk about growing up as I am afraid she will go crazy because life is now unfair. It will be a week in a couple of hours since we found out. Dad was well meaning. She collected the money from reading books(could go up to 100eur a month) and I guess for birthday, dad took the money, added some and bought her the iphone. I do not think she is spoilt but was raised to like good things and educate.
Two days ago she asked if mother could buy her an ice cream, they would usually buy it at a discount for 3euro but now it cost 6eur. Sis said it is expensive and sadly accepted the fate. But mum bought it anyway, because well father wouldn’t have said no. Mum also said that she will continue eating good food but less if money is tight. The point is quality over quantity always and being realistic.
Again about serious talk with sister - I sometimes feel like being harsh and saying things like “dad’s gone, now is the time to grow up, you need to forget about your childish dreams and choose something realistic” might relieve me of some of the stress but I do not think is for the best for anyone of us, especially because I feel bad about it afterwards.
You/Your Mother (the two people who are earning now) need to be Pragmatic and very strict when it comes to Money/Finance. If you go down the economic level (eg. poverty threshold) it will be very hard to build yourself back up again. There is also the possibility that a single illness can wipe you out financially not to mention the ripple effect ruining everybody's life.
So have that chat with everybody in the family (and in particular, with your Sister) as a group so that everybody understands the gravity of the situation and can deliver on their Responsibilities while keeping their spirits up. If you all stick together, you can definitely make it to a better place in Life.
Also since you seem to be in the EU check whether there are any social safety net plans that your family can qualify for. This can be a huge boost to future success.
The only advise I would give you: talk to your mother, talk to grandmother and tell them exactly what you have told us. Do not have fear or shame to show your emotions to those you believe you should support.
You have to support each other and that only works if all of you are open and honest about the situation.
From what you have written, I think your main concern is your sister's future and that is really laudable. But never tell anyone what not to do, because that never works. If your sister wants to become a singer, there is nothing wrong in that. In fact making money out of your hobby is one of the best things in life But tell her that singing is a very competitive field. And it is also a very exploitative field. If she wants to excel at singing then she has to combine that with STEM subjects. For example, there are university courses that teach mathematical music theory. This will give her an advantage in not only understanding music, but also maths and computing. She can then use that knowledge to create her music and songs that will have an edge over others.
Do not force her to become a doctor. Think of the patients too. Here is something to brighten up your mood and explain why: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xh0-x1RFEOY
Don't rush into specific products. Do your research.
Find a grief councillor. Don't expect a quick turn around on your emotions. There are things you need to process your family can, and can't help you with. A councillor is private, and is your advocate, against competing pressures. Good advice will include the not always helping options, the do nothing options, with their up and downsides.
Some choices may hurt like hell. Some choices may tear the family apart. Nobody can really judge which are the best choices but you, with information you can try to make the best short and longer term choices.
Do not seek short term consolations in alcohol or drugs.
As an athiest I can't easily recommend faith based support networks but its possible they can help here, bearing the lead concern in mind: do not accept advice which appears to serve the interest of the advisor.
It's a hard road. You're growing life experience which nobody seeks but at some extent everyone has to undergo.
I'm sorry it's now, and I'm sorry it's hard. Truly, it gets different with time, but it's always going to be a part of your life now, and that's OK, and normal too.
You seem to have incredibly stereotypical traditional views on man and women and their roles. Frankly speaking, that is unhealthy for them and you. The fact that you even mention that the dogs are female only shows to me an unhealthy preoccupation with people’s gender.
This is 2023 and women are their own person. They can take care of themselves. You are not responsible for them from some kind of patriarchal notion of manhood.
Be a kind person, help them if really required just to be kind you your family, not out of misplaced old-fashioned and unhealthy ideas about gender roles.
The thing about the dogs was a joke, or not, I don’t know. I was just making it more absurd.
Regardless of jokes, the whole gender thing is irrelevant, yet you seem so preoccupied with it. I hope you can shake it off.
The first thing I did was go through all the finanicals with my mother to understand what we are dealing with, luckily, our insurance company gave us a good sum of money to survive on and my mothers pensions is good enough. I wanted to continue study to get a engineering degree but couldn't as I had to bring in money too, so I got a good well paying job.
But my sister [late 22] on the other hand, is living like we're good and want to pursue her own thing :/
I saw you didn't look for any finanical advice so I will avoid that. My advice to you, don't look at your family (especially your mother) like they are helpless, because they aren't. It sure feels lonely being the only man in the house but I would not have survived (mentally) if it wasn't for my mother. You should try to the same, open up to your mother and share your thoughts.
As of your sister, I wish I knew.
Not sure what to advise you. This is a very challenging set of circumstances you are in.
Two thoughts:
1) You must keep it together as the alternative is unproductive.
2) I believe a defining power of humans is our ability to adapt. You will adapt. So will your family.
Just do the best you can. Work hard to earn but be careful to not self-destruct. Think of an engine that is pushed beyond its limit. You must not damage yourself through too much stress and work.
Don't make false promises such as "Don't worry ... I have it all figured out" .. especially if that is not true. Discuss the reality of the situation and your plan. This could mean no new iPhones or anything beyond the bare necessities of life (not forever but at least for a while).
Remember, you will hopefully earn more money and have an easier job as time goes on. Upskill yourself as you get the opportunity and avoid bad habits.
Best of luck to you.
You will be blessed in doing the right thing and the Lord will provide you and your family's needs.
* Cut yourself some slack. You are in the early days of a shock and you have to allow yourself the time to grieve and process your loss. You sister, mother, and grandmother are also doing the same. You will all feel sad, angry, upset, often for what aren't "real" reasons. I remember when my Mother died I got angry at a guy parking wrong on the street.
* You're the only man in a family. You are all one and your family seems to be solid from what you've said. You have some responsibility as the oldest child of your mother that is also educated and working. You have the responsibility to be a grandson to your grandmother, a son to your mother, and a brother to your sister. You aren't required to take on a new role, just because you are the only man.
* You need to take time to grieve and process the loss of your father. You will all grieve in different ways and in different times. The important thing is to understand that you will need time.
* Don't make any decisions now, as long as there is money coming in and a roof over everybody's head, you don't need to make decisions.
* Your sister is 16 and has dreams. Don't tear them down at the same time as she is also grieving. It's not your problem to solve, your mother is still her mother. Don't worry about the private tutors or the contests etc. Especially don't think that it's now your job to be her father. You are her brother.
* It sounds like your father has left your family with some assets (apartments). That's a good start. Finances are what tear families apart.
I am Jewish (agnostic) but one of the things that Judaism has as the process of grieving is time.
* The first 7 days are intense, you don't do anything
* The first 30 days are less intense, you start to re-enter day-to-day life, but understand that you aren't going to be "happy" or "back to (a new) normal"
* The first year is allowed for mourning and dealing with someone dying.
That's a good way to approach this. You are starting on a long journey, don't rush.
Having good people around you can help give you perspective from other mothers, fathers, people who have lost family and more so you can share the mental weight and focus on what really needs attention.
The old saying it takes a village to raise a child, is true but it's also good to keep people around you for your health.
Best of luck!
Chatting to friends who have had/raised teenagers before sometimes have good perspective about what your 16yr old sister is going through and if you need to do anything about it, or let it run it's course.
It helps you keep it together when you can run some ideas past people who have met your family members and know a little bit of the context, because they can relate better to your specific situation, maybe see a fresh direction for you as an option/suggestion and reduce the impact of things that appear to be a greater problem then they are, whenever that happens.
I don't know if I should type out literal examples, feels odd because I don't know how to relate to you without having met you irl, so my examples will probably be inaccurate.
Anyway what I mean is, you've got a lot relationships to manage by your own reckoning, so I suggest sharing the workload with good friends, social workers and community members who are in a good position to help. A stronger social network could lift enough weight that you can get on with your own dreams again... potentially.
Good luck!
Anyways my dad died abt 6 yrs ago. At the time of his death our financial situation was already dire. We had sold our house for roughly 70,000$. 20,000$ was used to pay off loans that had accrued a lot of interest as my dad had lost his job and my mother had no source of income. My mother decided to put the remaining 50,000$ into a shady sacco that promised significant monthly returns. I was obviously skeptical and vehemently opposed this as it was a good chunk of our net worth. The sacco's leader stole all the money (no surprise). His religious fascade is what made people trust him the most including mom. I was 17 at the time.
Everything just started to fall apart. We got evicted 2 yrs later and moved in to a small 2 bedroom apartment (which we reside in to this day). My dad died of a suspected heart condition (similar to yours) but inherited some lands from my grandfather.
We managed to sell them over the yrs (for sustenance, rent, 2 siblings school fees and my college tuition) but we've finally exhausted any wealth we had. I still sleep on the couch or mattress (both equally uncomfortable) as the place isn't big enough for all of us. It's taken a toll on my back and neck. Am always sore even though am just 25!
I just graduated. I'm about to start earning some good money and also bootstrap my start up. I'll afford to have my own place and honestly feels unreal. I finally have a chance to be on my own, buy food when I'm hungry e.t.c.
My mom is still unemployed. My sister has recently started having psychiatric issues and struggling to find work (stress and suspected bipolar). My brother (15M) is very obstinate with regards to his academics despite my constant effort to explain our current financial situation.
I'm going to leave the moment I get my salary. I feel like a portal to freedom just spawned. Definitely will support my mom but not to the point I end up dirt broke again. I don't want the burden of responsibility if I'm being frank but also don't want to abandon anyone.
Life is about to change but isn't it always. I just wrote this to let you know you're not alone. I won't sacrifice myself and happiness but then again I don't expect you to ape me as I am not giving advice. Seeing someone going through a similar situation is oddly comforting.
I wish you all the best my internet friend
if you see them grieving, give them time, listen to them, and do chores for them.
that is enough.
if however you can support financially for the fam, that is a bonus, but dont think they cant function without your support. they should be able to as you are all adults, except your gran lol. your sis go support her but always be there for her even when her plans dont work out. if it works out it's a nice bet isnt it.
anyway thats it, please take your fucking time man go talk with your friends go have a drink. you obviously need to rant about how much you miss your dad and how much shit he left you to deal with hahaha.
source: my dad also died many years ago lol
2. You're having weird feelings because you're grieving.
3. You have a strange perception of the women in your family, as if they are helpless and need looking after.
3.1 That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, they will be okay, you are not expected to be a white knight riding in to fix everything and support anyone.
3.2 I Guarantee they are not so helpless, 2/3rd of them raised you and have already been supporting your family and your dad.
Sorry for your loss.
If you work "in a similar" job then economically there IS a way to at least level your income with your dad's (even if by switching to exact dad's kind of job).
Good luck pal!
