You're comparing your blooper reel to others' highlight reel. You're carrying a huge burden with you, and that you can get out of bed at all in the morning means you're stronger than people who stride casually through life carrying no burden.

I lost my son to suicide earlier this year, and I hope you don't do that. It's absolutely awful for everyone who is left behind, and they are never the same afterwards.

Keep trying therapists. Some specialise in particular areas, and perhaps there's one who specialises in your particular burden. Someone said to me "therapists are like shoes. Keep trying until you find one that fits."

Consider residential care -- check out of the daily pressures of life for a while and be with people who can help you all the time rather than once a week. I hope your family would be supportive if you made it clear that you were considering suicide.

Our son hid his pain from us, and while we knew he was struggling we didn't know the magnitude of it. If we'd known he was considering suicide, perhaps we could have helped him through it.

Much love to you. If you ever need to chat, I'm @gnat on Twitter or nathan@torkington.com in email. As we say in New Zealand, "kia kaha!" (be strong).

Here's a pro athlete with a pulled hamstring. They may not even be able to walk. They've got expectations for themselves, and they can't meet them. They can guilt trip or berate themselves for letting the team down, but that doesn't make them any more able to play.

You're injured. You may someday be healed, but for right now, you're injured. That's not a moral statement. You're not a bad person for being injured.

You can't meet your expectations right now. Injury is like that. Forgive yourself for it. ("Forgive" is the wrong word, because it implies moral fault. But to the degree that you blame yourself, forgive yourself.) Then try to work on healing. That's what you need right now. (Athletes don't try to play on pulled hamstrings, but they do work on rehab.)

I can't tell you what "rehab" looks like for you. All I can say is that you need to stop beating yourself up for being broken by trauma. It's not a failing.

For what it's worth, I'm praying for you.

I think I see. Is it like: "Man, how am I able to fuck this up so bad, and so consistently. Life should be a lot easier. I'm a failure." That kind of thing?