Ask HN: Advice for a new father?

I went through a "grieving" process of my new fate in life. It helped more when the baby started smiling. It helped more when she started sleeping through the night. It helped more as I internalized and built acceptance more.

If anyone wants to reach out on this aspect of fatherhood please reply and would love to get in touch.

EDIT: And goes without saying, but try all you can to get into a job/role that's remote and not super time-consuming or stressful. You will find it really valuable to have some of that 9-5 time when there's childcare (and also away from your spouse depending on the situation) to recharge and do whatever the F you want :)

More realistically:

1. If you're raising the baby with a spouse, communication is going to be wildly important. Be more explicit than you think you need to be about things - you're both going to be tired, and it's all too easy to make an uncharitable assumption.

2. One thing that worked for us, re: night-time, was shifts. My wife was responsible for the baby waking up until ~4am, and then I was responsible for her waking up after that - meaning, whoever's shift it was, was responsible for getting up, feeding the baby if she needed to be fed, and getting her soothed back to sleep. It ensured that while we didn't actually get eight straight hours, there was a solid six-ish hour period during which one of us at least didn't have to get out of bed.

Your mileage may vary on that; if y'all are bottle-feeding, then it'll be much easier. If not, then your spouse is probably not going to get as much of a break.

3. Lean hard on any family members or friends who are willing to help, but make sure you tell them what you need. If what you need is prepared meals dropped off, and then for them to fuck off and leave the three of you alone, tell them that. If you need them to watch the baby for two hours in the afternoon while you nap (or read, or just go for a walk to be alone), make sure they know that's what you need.

4. I got a baby bjorn and loved it; wearing a baby means she's comfortable, and you're comfortable, and your hands are free. My wife preferred a different style, though.

5. This is one of the top five most difficult things your spouse and you will go through. Seriously, accept that and understand that you will get mad at your spouse, your spouse will get mad at you, you'll both get mad at the baby, your baby will be mad at you. It's going to be wildly stressful. You'll make it through it, though - as long as you remember point 1, communicate, and understand that it gets better, easier, and more fun.

edit: I'm also in a Slack for dads, most of whom are also in tech - let me know if you'd like an invite.

That said, you're gonna make mistakes. That's one of the harder lessons in patenting, I think. There's no takebacks. Nobody's gonna swoop in to save you. There's only tomorrow. Children will forgive you if you make a mistake, apologize, learn, and avoid the mistake in the future.

1. Get them onto a regular sleep schedule as soon as possible. Use whatever methods you prefer. Sleep deprivation will literally destroy your (mom and dad) physical and mental health.

2. Stock on baby supply, diapers, baby wipe, formula, bottles, nipples, breast milk bags, etc.. That's not something you want just-in-time supply chain. You don't want to be out looking for the right size diaper at night when you haven't slept in 2 days.

3. Unless you have a massive support system, your life will be on hold for a little bit. Finding a good nanny takes time and a lot of luck. If you or your wife become stay-at-home parent, that just means the working person now has two jobs, regular 9-5 AND provide relief to the other. Accept it and embrace it.

4. There will be negative feelings, anger, resentment, whatever. Talk it out, or get therapy. Don't bottle up. Post-partum depression is real for moms. Dads need help too.

5. Carve out time for the other parent to relax.

Good luck!

Any good habit you start early will pay off dividends later. Anything you let slide will agonize you for years and years.

Most advice you find online is useless. "Mommy-bloggers" have SEO spammed the internet with waste. It's either some form of extreme child micromanagement, or rituals designed for people with saint-like patience or time on their hands. Get your advice from real people - pediatricians, parents, friends, etc.

* Do not accidentally drop them on their head * Do not accidentally dislocate their elbow. * Do not put their shoes on the wrong feet when taking them for a walk. * Do not put them on a snow sleigh on a steep hill with a river at the bottom. * Do not neglect them in a bookshop while reading computer books and then turn to watch them being dragged heavenward up the outside of an escalator to the next floor.

And things to do;

* If a Father/Daughter * Do not make fun of her, even as a baby, baby girls understand more than you think * When she is an older girl buy her a beautiful pair of shoes/boots of her choice. She will not forget it. * If a Father/Son * When he can walk take him to the forest and let him choose a stick. * When he is older teach himself how to defend himself e.g. someone grabs him by throat, stamp on their foot.

When they are in their 20s; * If they live in the same city go for a walk/coffee with them every week or two.

  Family is all about walking, talking, eating and playing. Work is about paying the bills. Service is what we do for others.

As a father of a now 17 and 19 year old I can definitely say looking back that the years were indeed short. Enjoy the days.

Their sleep schedule is sacred, for their well being, and yours. Plan your social life around making sure they are in bed at their scheduled bed time, every time. When your child is able to sleep through the night it is one of the first milestones that dramatically improves your quality of life. Allow them to keep their mid day nap as long as they will take it. These are key productivity hours for you and your significant other for the next several years!

Kids can potty train earlier than you may think. I potty trained mine at 20 months, over an extended weekend. When your kid is potty trained it is another milestone that dramatically improves your quality of life, and saves a lot of money you were spending on diapers.

1. Prepare to be exhausted for a long time (about 2 years) - you can't do much about it, this is just the way it is. After 18 months it will get better.

2. Support your partner as much as possible - she's proably even more exhausted and keep watching the emotions (postpartum depression is underestimated)

3. Try to involve the grandparents to help you as much as they can, if possible.

4. Don't force your child too sleep or try to apply techniques that sound weird (like leaving your child crying until it sleeps or put it into another room). This is not the right way... some children do sleep well and some don't. Hope for the best and take care as much as possible.

5. Hold your child as much as possible, skin to skin. It will improve the relationship. Best case cuddle together with every member of the family.

6. Listen to your heart. If something doesn't feel right (even if everybody is telling you to do so), it's probably wrong.

7. If it's possible, breastfeeding is the best a child can get. Don't force the child into stopping after 6 months... just keep going as long as you (or your partner can).

7b. Later, try to cook healthy (oat flakes, vegetables, a few fruits) - as little sugar as possible.

8. Prevent stress wherever you can. Cook more than one meal at a time, organise your day to have breaks.

9. Spend time with your family. Work may be fulfilling, but you can never go back in time to see your child grow up. Try to get some time with your partner alone - this is more important than you may notice.

10. Don't be to hard to yourself. There will be times you can't follow all these rules. You will be angry, scream, argue, etc. It's ok as long as it is not too much.

  + Baby first.

    Mama second.

    You 3+n where  
    n=dogs in family.

  + You don’t get it back.
    It is life.

  + It will take a lot of work
    To actually screw up.

  + In the next few decades
    You will grow too.
    Hopefully as much 
    as your child.
    It would be a shame
    Not to.

  + Do it right and they will
    Become a busy adult
    And you will miss
    Them like hell.

  + Talk to your child
    As a person from day one.

The "Elimination Communication" thing is awesome if you can get it working. One baby it worked 90% and the other about 60%.

When baby gets to about 3 try "Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons", it is not easy but it is simple and it works.

More importantly, enjoy the early days because the rate of change will never be this high again. The first week is special. The first month is special. Form as many memories as you can. The 8th year and the 9th year are mostly the same. Time will take those early days from you, you can't stop it. Complacency will take the later years from you, but you can stop that one, mostly.

Healthy children get easier and easier to manage and your time will open up. Do not jump to assume your life is over and that you can no longer be ambitious. Give it time, and use this time as a father to shape yourself for the future. Being a father is an extremely unique experience and grants men unique abilities and willpower that no one has until they become one themselves.

For now, just focus on sleep. This is, by far, the most difficult issue to deal with for parents. It's not only the most difficult, but it can be dangerous. It can break relationships and even hurt others around you, including yourself. My personal suggestion is to ignore whatever your pediatrician or anyone says about "infants can't be put on a schedule" — they're wrong. Get them on a schedule. Even if the newborn isn't following it, you are actually setting them up to follow it as they grow a little. We got our first on a schedule within 2 months and sleeping predictably and through the entire night. Do your best to set baby down at the same times and be consistent, and watch everyone else get salty.

I was back to being productive in 3 months.

Whatever it is, you probably have to wing it. Be mindful and observe everything.

Everything is a system. Kids act on each other and on you. It's sometimes a balancing loop, sometimes a reinforcing loop, aka they'll fight or they'll keep each other in check. Systems engineering helps a ton in discipline. People say parenting is the hardest job but IMO it doesn't have to be. The nature of systems is that they're stable without any outside action. If you're kids aren't brushing their teeth or wearing their seatbelts, check your system.

But one major piece of advice: (My) Kids can't sleep when they're too tired, and they end up tired all the time because they don't sleep. Again, this doesn't apply to all parents - one of my friends has kids who would run and climb everything until they're red in the face, and they'd behave if given that outlet. But try to get them to sleep early, especially as babies.

Having one kid is actually pretty easy. There are two of you, one of them. One of you is always resting at any given time.

When you have two kids it's a big change. If you're sharing responsibilities equally, now you're putting one of them to bed every night. And you're with at least one of them all the time, and if you're not, the other is handling both (harder on them).

And with two kids you're starting to see inter-child conflict, so it's not just managing two separate kids, but also their interactions.

In the long run having two kids can be beneficial because eventually they start entertaining each other. Currently, my boys are around 2 and 4, and things are starting to settle / they play with each other. If you just have the one, one of you is always going to need to be with them.

If you have three kids it's pretty intense. If you have four.. don't have four unless you fully understand what you're getting into.

The only thing you owe to your future self is the knowledge that you have been fully present while your kid grows up. That, and as many pics and videos your NAS and backup can hold.

Consider hiring a housekeeper. It's a great way to support your wife. Yeah, you need to up your game in terms of helping around the house, too, but if you can afford it, get mom some help, even if only for the first N months.

They go through clothes at a prodigious rate, it's ok to shop 2nd hand stores. A whole new universe of places you walked right past will appear. (Or, does everyone just get everything on Amazon these days? My child is 17)

Always keep boys covered when changing them, girls are easier to deal with.

Their face will change at least 5 times in the first 2 years, lots of photos and videos are comforting to look back on later in life. I still love watching the "Peek a boo" videos I made so very long ago... they always make me smile.

Buy second hand as much as possible. Don’t to a baby show where they sell new and non discounted stuff.

If breastfeeding doesn’t work out so be it. Ignore the nazis on this topic.

Something in advance is make sure you have a job that ain’t stressful, where your mind isn’t occupied stressfully about the job at home. Probably means planning 2 years ahead to change job if this is the case.

You might want to apply for daycares, primary and high schools soon. Depending on your area.

It won’t be long when you won’t rock them to sleep.

It won’t be long when they won’t ask you to play with them.

You need to be present, responsive and kind. You need to put others first and put up with a bit of shit, but also draw a reasonable line. Once you realise that you are there to serve, and remove your ego, the hard work becomes fun.

Read to your kid, talk to them and treat them as a fellow human.

Don't believe too much of what you hear. Things like 'your baby must sleep here in a crib' or 'babys need this food' or 'you need to teach your baby discipline'.

Breast is best.

Get help if you can. We hired a night doula after the first week of minimum sleeps, I have never been happier paying someone $400 a night.

Prioritize your family over all else. Money is a renewable resource, your time together is finite and fleeting.

A lot of people around you will be very generous with their opinions and advice while often neglecting the part where you're supposed to gather context before offering any words. Think of it as writing code before knowing the details of the problem that you wouldn't be able to reproduce anyway. You can do it and I've seen many people try but it's quite an ineffective way to build software solutions.

- You want them to find something that they enjoy a lot as they grow.

- Giving them something they are responsible for is unbelievably important. I have seen that lack of responsibility can lead to anxiety and much worse.

- Every age has it's challenges and benefits. I have fond memories for when the kids were young but don't think I could handle it at my age. Teenage years involved a lot of serious issues.

Switch to eating fruit (and other raw foods) at least 70% of your total intake.

Your energy levels will go up and your sleep needs will go down.

You'll need that in the beginning to be a solid support for your partner and the baby.

This will allow you to be extra patient and empathetic with everyone, which is what you'll need.

You'll also enjoy this process (if it's even possible) at least 50% more than on crappy energy levels.

Take care of the mom. Make sure she is rested, comfortable.

She is the primary caretaker, she is the baby's whole world.

Happy mom - happy baby.

If it's a girl, read Strong Fathers - Strong Daughters. If it's a boy, read Strong Mothers - Strong Sons. (even if you aren't the mother, it's a useful book).

- Make time for your partner. Both to continue nurturing your relationship, give each other alone time, and keep communication open (and on a relaxed tone). I cannot stress this enough.

- Set routines early. Even before our kids slept through the night, we started routines. You don't have to go crazy. Bath-time at Xpm, reading by Xpm, sleep by Xpm. Does wonders as they age.

- Sounds silly, but understand every kid is different. You'd be surprised how much their personalities seem formed even as tiny babies. What works for one kid might not work for another, even though you figure out strategies. (Ex. reverse psychology really does work at 7y for some reason).

- No one gives you a blueprint. Don't beat yourself up. Accept now that your actions will have unintended consequences. My wife and I are very intentional about our parenting because of bad upbringings. When you screw up, acknowledged where it was and what you can do in the future, but give yourself some leeway. It's not like they give us rule-books for this stuff.

- Find a support ASAP. Most parents I know have almost no support, and it shows. If your parents or grandparents or other family are there, speak up when you need help. Someone doing your dishes or giving you a night off is big. But cars will break down, you'll wonder how you're going to juggle everything. Find people you can trust.

- Read early and read often. Self-explanatory. Our kids are insane readers because we read to them constantly from the beginning. Whenever they wanted.

Then you'll start appreciating your new life and can't imagine going back.

It was awesome. We never had to yell at them.. they had clear and simple limits.

That worked really well, but we had to learn the hard way not to set expectations we couldn’t absolutely control and guarantee. Let’s go have ice cream and the favourite place.. oh no. They’re closed.. meltdown. Let’s wander that way and see what we find.. much safer. Congratulations! Enjoy it!

Every baby is different and you should take all advice with a huge grain of salt, including the ones listed here.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Everyone pays attention to the child but you and your partner will need help too managing this new life transition. Even if you're not the birthing parent, you too have also gone through this massive change in time, mental space, and life meaning.

Also, unless there's extenuating circumstances, don't make any big life changes (new job, divorce, new house) in the first year. You aren't in the right headspace.

I'm not going to think you're a bad parent, or that your child is bad, because they are wailing about some toy, or starfishing on the floor of Target. We've all been there. We've all had to escort the noisy ones out of quiet places (church, movie, restaurant, etc). As someone else said, welcome to the brotherhood. :)

Keep newborns to a schedule.

Don't worry too much, nothing is that difficult, it's just a lot of work, done on interrupted sleep.

Your child is only a newborn once, try to cherish the time when you have opportunity.

Welcome to the club. :)

My kids could read before they started kindergarten. Not very well, but each could read their favorite book.

Corollary is to practice letters. It is not enough to have the letter chart on the wall, read them off.

Count: Similar to reading. Start as early as possible. Although I am sure there are exceptions, they have found that most kids, if they are good at math at the age of 5, are good at 10, 15, and 20. Likewise if they are bad, they never catch up.

Whys: You never want them to decide they cannot answer a question. Work hard at coming up with appropriate answers that are accurate. Occasionally toss in a ‘I do not know, why do you think it is?’. Later add more questions to spur thinking. ‘Why is the grass green’ I have often asked.

Time: Your kids will and do value your time with them, not the money you spend on them.

Allowance: I have seen many people struggle with finances. In the Majority (not all) cases, their childhood did not involve an allowance, they would just get things if their parents felt they could afford it.

When they are old enough, start giving an allowance. We did it with no chores expected. Chores are what you do because you are a family member, not because we pay you. When you go somewhere and they want a 'frozen lemonade' or a trinket, tell them they are welcome to it, with THEIR money. It is interesting to see how often the NEED disappears.

<way too long story> My son and I were at a festival when he was 7 or 8. I typically have a refillable water bottle with me. Now this was in Florida and it was a hot day. My son turned to me, clutching his throat, ‘Oh dad I am so parched’. I was impressed I did not know he knew the word ‘parched’. Me: ‘Oh that is so sad’ with a concerned look on my face, ‘what can we do about that?’ Son: (stammering for emphasis) ‘I, I think, I need a lemonade…’. Me (faked surprised look on face as I notice the frozen lemonade stand we just walked by) ‘That is a great idea, I think you should’. Son, with the biggest grin I had ever seen on his face, turned around to walk back to the frozen lemonade stand. He had only taken one step to the stand, when I added ‘with your money’. He stopped dead in his tracks. OMG you could see his brain contemplating what to do. He turned around and in a very casual voice, ‘Hey dad can I borrow your water bottle’. At that point I knew he valued money appropriately.

When I first planned out the allowance, I contemplated the alternative solution, which I had seen others play out. In the late teens, early twenties, many friends had to call their parents and beg for money to cover 3 months of rent (2 late and current). So far so good, I have saved money by providing an allowance.

Read and sing to your kid - even if you are an awful singer. I read and sang lullabys to both my kids from when they were weeks old. THey didn't understand, but the memory is worth it, and I continued to so nightly until they were 7 or 8...or until they repeatedly said "Daaaaad! I'm too old for lullabys and bedtime stories." Then just read one more :)

Spend ALL the time with your kid - the time FLIES and one day you'll look at your 14 year as he mouths off to you and wonder how just moments ago you were cuddling with him as you were trying to put him to sleep in his crib.

I'm a night owl, so i never suffered from 'sleepless' nights like so many people complain about. Once my son's could take formula (ie when my wife wasn't necessary for the feeding), those were my favorite times: my wife could stay asleep and I could just grab a bottle and sit up every few hours through the night and feed them. Just me and either of my kids. Cherish those moments.

It is no exaggeration when a parent or grandparent tells you "Enjoy this moment because they fly by and before you know it they are grown." 15 years from now you'll wish for the sleepless nights when you were holding your baby trying to soothe them back to sleep.

"Lead by example" - You try to teach your kids the things they should know and to be better than you. Sometimes that means doing things better than you did (ie teaching them from mistakes or bad habits you might have), but kids are perceptive and will "learn it by WATCHING you". "Do as I say, not as I do" is less effective than leading by example. BE the man you want your son to be or your daughter to end up with. It's very difficult to backtrack on this when you realize you've been the wrong example.

Around 10 or 11, they will stop needing you as much or seeing you as their only hero. Take full advantage of the years before this to be the hero you want them to have and remember.

Teenage boys will rebel against their father and test boundaries. If you've set god boundaries and led by good examples and taught them good fundamentals, they'll circle back once they realize who they are and that you have always loved them - even during the arguments.

Be careful with criticism - even when trying to be helpful and constructive. They have a funny way of remembering constructive criticism as "negativity" :)

Overflow with praise for them - when deserved. Reign it in - but give it - when it's less so. They'll know that when you say something, you mean it.

When they're older sometimes you have to be "the bad guy" to help them learn right from wrong. Stand your ground if you know you are right, but always let them know you love them and are willing to talk about whatever dilemma they are going through.

End of the day: Love them the best that you can and tell them that every single day.

If you prefer working with humans -- e.g. you had/ve a lot of (girl) friends; you prefer late drinks parties instead of drilling deep into some esoteric computer problem; you are not super intrigued by topics such as compiler design, operating system and such -- then you shouldn't have a lot of problems. After all the baby is just one of the humans you are going to interact.

If you prefer working with computers, well, let me say that judging from my own experience it's going to be a huge challenge to you -- so challenging that this is probably the biggest challenge unless World War 3 happens -- it has been that bad for me. I'm going to focus on the mental shock and preparations for the negatives. The others are easy, and you probably don't want me to repeat the up sides.

If you don't know which type you are -- try to figure out if you are REALLY REALLY excited about being a father. I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY excited, like getting a new life. If not, you are going to need the following information nevertheless. In my case, I actually didn't feel anything when the baby was born. No positive or negative feeling, nothing at all. Maybe I'm a weirdo.

Babies are the opposite pole of computers. It can't be bargained with, it can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity! Or remorse or fear and it absolutely will not stop! In the best case, babies are black boxes that you can poke with some input and all kinds of output fall out. In the worst case, they output regardless whether you poke them or not.

Where should I start? Ah yes -- first, you are going to lose a lot of sleep, perhaps forever. But I guess you already know that, so I'll skip it. Just remember -- however mentally prepared, you won't get use to it in the first month. But however bad you feel, you are going to get used to it after 6-12 months.

Secondly, you are going to lose a lot of free time, again perhaps for a long long time. This is way more serious than losing sleep, if you prefer work with computers. This basically means you are NOT going to have much refresh after work. You will always be on high-tension because you don't have the time to chill down with your lovely computer. The situation will gradually improve when they reach age of X -- X depends on your parenting style -- for me it was past 3 but I still don't think it's enough. I'm hoping to get most of my free time back when they reach middle school and start to resent me.

By losing a lot of time, you also lose hobbies and work. This is less for the father than the mother, who is usually the central figure of parenting for the first few years. Nevertheless it still hits the father too. You are basically stuck to one place, one career path and even one position -- and you definitely won't want to lose your job! By having a baby, you are turning yourself into a better clog of the machine that is called society.

The natural, scientific conclusion of the above is depression. I actually recommend book a few sessions with a therapist right now -- because I know you probably going to be depressed. You can't fight it alone. You are going to do bad things if you let it take you. Best case, you recover naturally in a couple of years when you get used to the situation. Worst case, well I don't know what is the worst case but you can imagine. I was lucky to recover without a therapist, but I still explode to anger occasionally for whatever reason.

What is worse is that people, including your wife and your parents, are not going to understand you. Your wife is most likely bathing in the excitement of being a mother, and your parents are probably excited about the continuation of their genes and one more toy to play with. It's a taboo to admit that you don't enjoy your parenting life, and it's almost a crime to admit that sometimes you hate it and want to leave it behind forever. You are alone in this. Actually -- ironically, only the baby is on your side as he/she loves you without a condition.

Good luck.

I found it very useful. I then gave this book to yet another new father.

It's $10, probably less if you get a used copy. This book is worth 100 of these comments, and hopefully you find it as useful as I did, and can then pass it on to another new father.