I was fortunate to learn in 2018, at a relatively young age, that my mental faculties are the most precious thing I have in life (after my wife ofcourse). It was a very simple accident; chasing a high I let my bike get too fast going downhill on a wet road, a car on the other side was oncoming, I break, the back wheel slips out from under me, I hit my head on the road (with a helmet on). A bruised knee, elbow and shoulder, bit of pain, no damage to the bike, so I get up and continue. 15 minutes later I get home, a sharp migraine sets in, and suddenly, I realize, I can't remember how I got home. In fact, I can't remember most of last week. Luckily an MRI, an OK from a doctor and a couple of weeks later my memory returns and I'm no worse for the wear.
In that moment, when I realized I couldn't recall how I got home, the worst panic I have ever had set in. I've had two close calls with drowning and was in a car crash in the past, and have never felt the panic I had felt in that moment, just sitting comfortably at home, realizing my brain no longer works. I wasn't scared I had a brain bleed or something and would die, I was scared I would lose my mental faculties.
Since then my outlook on life has taken a complete turn. I've become a lot more cognizant of how I spend my time and what issues I engage with mentally.
What we have is precious, it can dissapear in a second, on an otherwise perfect day.
Coming to terms with the fallibility of your own mind is a valuable experience. I think it has helped me to be more rational. Once you accept that your mind can be dysfunctional, it becomes trivial to accept that your mind can be wrong. The way I see it, being wrong is also a temporary dysfunction of the mind.
- a slight odd taste (this is my "early warning sign"), - then the vision loss (which is so hard to describe, because the missing portion doesn't become black/white/blurry/etc, it's just gone), - and sometimes the tingling fingers.
The worst one, which happened while I was in Spanish class at school, began with those symptoms, but then I noticed I couldn't understand the Spanish instructions on the worksheet we'd just been given, even though I'm usually good with languages. I went to read the English "cheater" instructions on the other side, and my ability to read & understand English drained away while I was in the middle of reading. I felt that something was very wrong at that point, and stood up to tell my teacher that I needed to go to the nurse, but as soon as I stood up, I realized I no longer knew how to transfer my thought into my teacher's mind (not only the ability, but even the concept of spoken language had vanished!) ...So I just sat back down and waited it out.
It is quite the experience...
Interesting
Seems the dysfunction could be either intrinsic, as in mis-processing data/information that is present, or extrinsic, as in not having or failing to obtain a suitable set of data/information on the topic.
Does this match your model?
My friends will buy ergonomic keyboards, standing desks, monitor arms, etc. to keep them healthy and productive (which is important), but not wear a helmet because "they look dumb". Without a working brain, none of that other stuff will matter! I always ask them, 'Are you expecting to find a partner while you're on the bike? Who are you trying to impress?'
I just got off my bike in London, no helmet but typical speeds of 10 mph or so. Most cycle deaths here are crushed by trucks where a helmet doesn't help much.
Family friend was an accountant in NYC that used to ride around on a scooter with no helmet. Fell and hit his head one day and literally lost the ability to do complex math, permanently.
We may be only in the tiniest of corners (for now), but probably nothing beats it in complexity (... for now).
Spend a little while seriously watching an octopus, and you may move that needle.
So is it really you realizing your brain no longer works, or part of the brain with ownership of the rest realizing its brain no longer works?
P>S> To get still a full spectrum, let's not forget (rather rare) cases when people with 80%< of the brain filled with cerebrospinal fluid due to hydrocephaly were able to do uni math or work as accountants.
- Very smart guy
- Had some kind of blood circulatory issue so reduced oxygen to the brain
- BUT was a very active cyclist so has very good cardio
- due to both of the above, he was getting enough O2 to be functional but effectively had a lower IQ
- circulatory issue was eventually identified and then corrected
His comments (paraphrased):
"Being less smart was kind of a blessing. Instead of getting frustrated when things weren't working when there were obvious solutions, my attitude changed to just accepting things.
As soon as my circulatory issues where resolved, I went right back to being frustrated."
This almost feels personal to me because of how well written her account is. I’ve had terrible chronic migraines for as long as i can remember. Apparently they can be associated with brain lesions, too. I’ll clearly never know how they’ve impacted my personality.
Found out later the VW Atlas essentially has armor plating in the side, which spread the side impact out from the door into the frame. Didn’t know that when we bought it, but we sure bought another one quick.
One of my daughters also had weekly migraines, lost a day at work each time.
I got a Daith piercing in my right ear - my migraines originated on the right side of my head. Yes the piercing stung, but the next day I had no migraine. The constant pain had just stopped. This was maybe 7-8 years ago. I very rarely get odd migraine symptoms - vision feels off, head feels woolly - but no pain at all.
I convinced my daughter to have a Daith. She now doesn't even get regular headaches.
Anecdotal though this is, I would suggest looking into getting this piercing. It is discreet. There is no formal research I am aware of but for this sample of two it was a huge positive.
Ie when the pain shoots up through/along the side of the traps, along the backside of the ear, to the forehead and back of the eye.
Reminds me of pinching the ear lobes during a migraine. That seemed to sort of help but not terribly.
Nowadays nurtec/the cgrp protein inhibitors work wonders. But I’ll consider the piercings too.
I'm not looking to pick apart your story, just curious.
Then I moved to another state, and haven't had an allergy attack since, and my migraines have mostly gone away. I get probably one real migraine a year, with smaller headaches maybe once a month. Nothing debilitating like before though. For me I think it was all allergy related, but specific allergies. The state I moved to is rated as having the same allergy levels, but yet I don't have these attacks or as many migraines anymore.
Also the joke about opening a spa where she whacks stressed people with a bat so they find respite from our busy world: we already do that ourselves when we reach mental burnout. I did, and in some ways, I feel that years later, my mental sharpness is still not what it used to be. Perhaps burnout is as traumatic to the brain as a massive brain injury; certainly takes as long to heal from.
Wouldn’t surprise me.
I had a massive psychotic break 5 years ago. I’m pretty sure it came with physical brain damage. My memory isn’t what it used to be. There are holes in it. Apparently some of it is so completely gone, I don’t know I’ve forgotten it. Usually I know if I forgot something because there is a dangling pointer to it.
Brain damage feels distinctly different. The problems from being bipolar has very sharp lines in my brain. It’s known territory. Damage is foggy, indistinct.
Things have definitely healed and I’m getting function and a few memories back. The foggy areas have mostly cleared up. It’s been an odd experience.
Which all makes sense, but I don't think is part of the general awareness of these conditions. I get the feeling that most people think of them as "only" mental experiences.
Either that or the memories are treated no differently by the brain. Because one remembers the time as being so significant it seems disproportionate for it to be forgotten. But this could just be what happens to all memories.
> When we return to New York I take the subway to doctor appointments. I don’t take out my phone, I just sit. My brain is quiet, which I find suspicious, but also soothing. Before the accident I went to yoga retreats and tried meditation. I said things like “I just need to unplug.” Apparently what I needed was to get hit by a truck. Perhaps I have discovered the secret to a peaceful mind, and it is traumatic brain injury. I fantasize about opening an expensive spa where busy people pay me money to whack them on the head with a baseball bat.
Levity aside, I’ve never seen a master meditator discuss “quieting the mind” as a downside.
"But did you know that you can eat whole grains and still get hit by a truck?"
That's my take at least. During winter I'd probably have a more depressing perspective but the sun has been out lately.
Living healthy is extrinsically rewarding in itself. You better your odds at least. Maintaining this latent chip on your shoulders towards the unhealthy is weird.
EDIT: I wonder if there is a (channeling Nixon) silent majority of health-“nuts” who just live healthy without advertising it (beyond their inherent health and vitality!). We naturally mostly notice those who make it part of their persona.
Of course, the chance of death is always 100% in the end :^)
I am absolutely less smart (however you want to phrase that) on the days I have a migraine. I can't quantify it, but I can say that on normal days I can do advanced math, etc. and on migraine days I just... can't understand it. It's like it just doesn't "click".
It's fascinating and gives me profound empathy for those who don't have the mental faculties I do (on my good days).
The first year was especially tough, with a lot of suicidal thoughts and constant self-doubt.
Everything she says about feeling like its important to tell people that you did nothing wrong, that it wasn't an 'accident' (oopsie, I almost killed your entire family!), that somehow you have to just keep on living your same life again and driving like this couldn't happen any minute ever again - I feel in my bones and don't think I will every be comfortable on the road or around cars ever again.
The person that hit us fled and was not pursued or found. Sometimes I wonder if they ever get curious about what happened to us. Also, turns out uninsured motorist coverage only applies if you can prove they didn't have insurance, hah.
Hope you’re doing better.
It baffles me often how distracted drivers just pull out somewhere and hit a car that would be impossible to miss if the driver bothered to look at all.
Why does a two lane rural road, often without a shoulder, often cutting through large swaths of unpredictable wildlife need to be rated for 70mph?
I'm a cyclist and love walking. I've seen way too many drivers simply not give two fucks about pedestrians, cyclists or even other cars. I've seen way too many drivers pull out their phones at stoplights or on freeways where "nothing is going on". I've seen way too many drivers drive 30mph+ through parking lot spots thinking nothing of it.
Meanwhile, public transportation initiatives and city landscapes get shot down and destroyed constantly in favor of adding "just one more lane" because people can't be arsed to drive 30mph and NEED 45mph stroads they can blast through at 60mph.
Driving is one of the most dangerous activities we do on a daily basis and so many people treat it like absolutely nothing bad can happen. I hate it.
This type of injury terrifies me though, and from what I read about the long-term effects of Covid, I can't believe people are just going along with it as if it was a common cold. To lose my mental faculties, long-term, is prospect beyond depressing.
She seems to be doing well and her writing and snark are on point. After reading her posts I'd wager 50% of you will think she's still brain-damaged and 50% will say she's never been in better shape -- such is the contemporary zeitgeist.
