Ask HN: My brain is telling me to quit everything. What should I do?

Here's my thoughts:

1. Don't leave a family that loves you just because you feel like you're failing them. None of us are perfect parents or spouses. Do spend a little time with each of them every day doing whatever they want. Maintaining relationships is just about giving time, it's not about anything else.

2. Take a little Aderall (or whatever weak ADHD med does something for you) in the morning and drop all the other substances. Weed seems helpful at the start, but all the people I know who have done weed long-term are ruined in the end. It takes a few months to get over things like weed, and those aren't fun months. Drink some grapefruit juice, chew on a toothbrush, get some baoding balls.

3. I like the other comment about your nutrition. Focus on gut-healthy foods for a while, and get some fresh-ground grains. Some families have food-habits that affect their mental state, yet they don't realize this because they grew up with it, etc.

4. Consider just doing a part-time job. (Maybe your wife can do a part-time or full-time job too?) Your family can understand that you need a lot of change, and that you can't focus 8+ hours per day. Help your neighbors and church family and community during your off hours.

5. You can express your fears and anxieties to those around you. They'll learn to accept that. Don't be a false you.

6. For non-programming jobs: you can be a software tester. It's boring for most people, but it's not as intense as programming, and it's generally available in part-time. Scripting skills can also apply to that. I'm guessing that your anxiety makes sales work difficult? Doing customer presentations is difficult? Do you have an interest in something more physical? Maybe auto mechanic work? Maybe electrical wiring in houses?

I'd consider speaking with a professional therapist, if you aren't already. You may just need an objective view and a chance to talk out everything on your mind for a while.

Do you see a psychologist and doctor to help you with this (can you afford them?). I think this needs professional help (I am not saying that in a negative way, but I think you need the best help possible). The problem with doctors and psychologists in general is it a lottery and you might have to try different ones to find the ones that take you seriously and don't just shove a drug at you to try (unless they have a really good reason to and they have understood your issues).

So, assuming you don't have a great team, what you could do with is a good friend/family member to advocate for you while you navigate this to get the best help.

You probably also need money to do this, as few countries will provide this for free. Or if they do there will be waitlists. Hopefully you can afford it or someone can help you there, or your advocate can find free resources that are good for you.

What happened to you in childhood/school is not OK, but it is sermountable.

Hope it goes well. Good luck!

Are you me? Hah. I identify with your situation quite a lot. From exhibiting ADHD type symptoms, to self-medicating, to entering tech, to being unable to hold a job.

Quitting weed didn't help me. I stopped for 2 months. I'm not off weed, but I don't rely on it nearly as much. When I smoked, I thought I could be my authentic self and care less about what others think of me. Weed helped with this 30% of the time. The other 70% of the time weed made me closed off, paranoid, and sometimes just weird. But I latched on to the good times to tell myself that it was helpful.

My only suggestion: find a good therapist and start this journey now (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/). I thought I had ADHD. I thought I had an addiction to weed. I thought I was in the right career. After a very public firing, and going into my 30s, I knew something had to change. Your situation may be completely different - I have no idea, this is just my exp.

Now, I'm on a different path. I'm working towards a career pivot. I'm doing things that are completely different from my prev career. I enjoy it. I don't know where I'm going exactly, which is terrifying, but....... it's fine.

Consider this next chapter as a series of small experiments to tease out who you really are.

And for God's sakes, don't throw away your relationship with your Wife. Like you, I have no idea why my partner stuck with me. They has been my strongest support.

Your problem is low serotonin and historically you have been self-medicating. Don’t do that because it doesn’t work.

The best treatment is a balanced natural diet and natural environmental stimulus. Serotonin is produced from a critical amino acid that must be consumed from food.

Natural stimulus forces productive engagement that you cannot generate on your own, focused acute serotonin receptivity in the brain, even with stellar initiative. For example be responsible for something real like pets, subordinate human careers, challenging projects with goals, and so forth.

In my case as a dumb Army guy I am so much more alive when I am engaging with other soldiers in a managerial capacity and advisor. It does a complete 180 for any depressive mood I may have even though I am hyper introverted and find socializing exhausting.

I recommend visiting with your doctor for evaluation. Extremely low serotonin uptake in the brain is the medical commonality between ADHD and manic depression.

So why can’t you just smoke weed after work? Or do you need it all day long?

There are these things called Golden Teachers that can give you a great reset on life. You have a lot of trauma and you need to heal yourself through it. assuming you don’t have a family history of schizophrenia you may want to consider finding the golden teachers

Get off the meds and do it cold turkey. Taking that garbage is the worst thing you could ever do to yourself because it literally numbs you to the point where you can’t properly process sensory experiences.

I once hit a really bad low point in my life and started taking SSRIs, it only took me 3 months (about the time they start to work) to “nope the fuck out” of that experience. It’s horrible and will mess with your mind.

My advice is for you to learn meditation and how to calm down. It is extremely hard with a racy mind but believe me - you will notice progress and you will feel extremely good about learning how to shut your mind up. It will create a lot of space in your life to address your problems in a realistic way.

And things like emotional intelligence will be a nice side-benefit.

Being mature and having a strong character is not a given, you have to develop these skills on your own.

Find ways to get all this confusion and procrastination out of your system: write, talk to people, climb a mountain.

Failed? Not a problem. As long as you keep trying, you will eventually change things. Giving up is easy but it sure as shit is not satisfying.

Despite all your troubles you’ve been blessed with a family and kids.

It’s a great gift and the most valuable thing in your life whatever else you accomplish.

And you already have it, right there. This is how god loves you. Don’t turn away his gifts, he can change the attitude. Cherish it, enjoy it, it will not last forever.

Get your shit together and just fight through.

Seek for people, real people who can help, there are plenty of them (including decent psychiatrists who don’t just rip and drug you off).

I don’t have any solutions but I offer my empathy. It sounds like you’re going through a really hard time and have gone through a lot. I feel for you. I really hope you find a safe path through it. Please lean on your family and friends, they will be happy to help and they really can help. Good luck, I have faith that you can find a positive way forward.