Everyone typically has their imagined "edge", the thing that they believe makes them special and unique and superior in some way. Nerds look at jocks and say "they're athletic, but I am the smart one." Blue collar people look at rich people and say "They have a lot of money, but I know hard work and have principles." Everyone has some internal mental defense for why other people that are outperforming them aren't actually "better" than them because, hey, we're the main character!
It seems OP has just replaced one of these with a different version regarding ego shedding.
Currently I’m reading "La marche à la lumière – Entretiens du Bouddha"[1]. What is laughed at here precisely describe what the Buddha is making through the whole book. While apparently, just like Socrate, Buddha didn’t let any directly written legacy, it’s clear he has been attached to the notion of an egoless person discussing the topic with whoever would like to ask about it.
Now of course it doesn’t necessarily mean that the person laughed at went through some accomplishment. But whether they did or didn’t is not relevant. What matters here is can it be believed that some human accomplish an egoless experience of life and still continue to discuss with people who didn’t.
[1] https://www.babelio.com/livres/Shantideva-La-marchea-la-lumi...
Until you have the same experience, you will continue to doubt it in the exact way you currently are. And that's perfectly fine, and natural and still good.
It's like trying to describe a color in its actual raw experience, or describing red to a blind person. It cannot be put into words, only observed.
It's certainly a hard topic to express.
What else can it be, if not a part of the mind of a state of it?
It is a canvas of a thousand brush strokes. Each time you look it becomes a new color.
Also never claimed I don't have bad thoughts. I did say I suffer from a lot of existential questions. But yes. Bad thoughts about day to day issues have significantly been reduced.
The inner monologue have been lowered on volume. Previously it was at 100 now it's at 4 or 5.
Old memories from past don't show up to affect the current movement.
All this means a higher allocation of bandwidth in consciousness for current movement. There is nothing grandiose here
I still meditate. I still listen to teachers like Adyashanti. I think there is a lot of work remaining to be done.
