Have you gone through this? If so, was it a period of professional transformation for you? How did you transform? Or, after a period of turmoil, did you eventually stay in your previous role? How did it relate to your personal life?
When we are young we strive for success. We go to college, get a job, climb the career ladder. Ostensibly we do it to afford fancy houses, cars, motorbikes or whatever, but we can't afford those things so we strive for success.
Then one day we achieve the goal. We have a wife, kids, house, car - we're earning well, and have cash left over. We are, objectively, successful. We have reached the goal.
But we discover we're not satisfied. Hence the crisis. Some get a new wife. Some buy the toys they always wanted. But that also doesn't satisfy, the glow wears off, and we're back to searching.
At this point the goals shift from success to significance. You want to leave a mark, to impact the lives of others. Maybe mentoring. Maybe uplifting others. Maybe charity. Maybe volunteering. And so on.
Sadly, of course, there are those who don't progress. Some chase "success" forever, alienating people along the way. For some no measure of success is enough.
Some find contentment early - a balance between relationships and work. They tend to miss the "crisis" since their path switched from "success" to "significance" early.
In the long run people satisfy more than things.
- would love to travel, “no time/money/… now, will do it later”
- learn how to play an instrument, no time/money/… now, will do it later”
- have kids/family, no time/money/… now, will do it later”
- become UFC champion, no time/money/… now, will do it later”
then midlife hits and you haven’t left Bismarck, ND all your life, you play no instrument, have no kids (both you and spouse are now too old) and of course UFC dreams are long gone…
I would agree that this certainly contributes to mental angst, depression and so on.
But I'm not sure it matches the things we usually associate with "mid life crisis" (ie the buying of toys like a Ferrari or Harley.)
I got married for the first time at 47. I’d been with my now wife since 2006, and in 2018 she mentioned she always wanted a wedding, even something small. So we got engaged and got married in Santa Fe, NM, a favorite vacation destination, with 10 close friends. That was pretty much my big change.
I never did the midlife crisis with the fancy car. In fact I use public transport when I go to work, so I ended up selling my car and just relying on that and a ZipCar membership for any day trips.
I guess my midlife crisis was more of a point to enjoy life. I took inventory of my life and found it actually wasn’t half bad. The grass was fairly green on my side of the fence.
Hope the best for you.
When I was a kid, I was constantly being told how much much "potential" I had. I have accomplished a lot, and when I was in my twenties and thirties it was easy to imagine that all the things I hadn't accomplished yet were still ahead of me.
Now, I've been faced with a reckoning: for sure, many great things still lie ahead, but I won't be able to achieve all of my aspirations.
One thing that worked for me: seek professional help. I sought out a therapist and am still working with her. When I developed insomnia, I tried pretty much everything (medication, CBT, sleep study etc.) until I eventually found a medication that worked. This took years, but things are better now.
Also, avoid the "sunk cost" fallacy. For years I practiced at a yoga studio which was excellent, but the vibe was a little bit off for me and I wasn't enjoying myself. I just sucked it up and kept going. But after Covid I decided to try something different, and ended up finding group fitness classes which I love.
Good luck!
It's not a chain establishment, and overall I really like the owner/head trainer and the mood he sets. I'm living in a town that's a bit too laid back and slow-paced for my taste overall, whereas this guy acts like he has twenty cups of coffee every day -- while managing to remember everybody's name and coming around to help you if you're having difficulties.
I didn't buy a Corvette though, but rather approached the topic of death and limited time head-on. I was "helped" by the death of multiple close family members and the murder of a close friend.
I feel I'm in a good place now.
Understand that nearly every man goes through this.
BOSS: i think im gonna buy the beamer. ME: sir, please dont buy the beamer. Will it really bring you joy? Here are some joyful purchases you could dump some cash into: … BOSS: But i think i need that beamer .. BOSS: Bought! … BOSS: Arrrg scratch on the Beamer! Arrrrg cant park there, i have a beamer! Arrrrg can’t do this or that in the Beamer!
Don’t buy the Beamer, kids.
It all stems from being fundamentally so unhappy with work. I have changed 3 employers over the past 4 years and I’ve been more and more depressed with each transition. I spend my life in a state of immense disappointment about having to work. I am not even passionate about software anymore, so it’s not only the corporate madness (meetings, offices, coworkers, bosses, pressure to perform, code reviewers, etc). My weekends are filled with anxiety about Mondays. Everywhere I go I just cannot stand the pressure to perform and the massive time investment.
I haven’t quit yet (despite likely affording to do so on a financial basis) because I’m a coward who would never forgive himself for having quit such a high paying job, and prefer to instead every day destroy my mental health at yet another workplace, hoping that it will be the day I will be fired or laid off, so that the decision would be taken for me.
Professional mental health has been useless, I know what I need to do, just quit.
Never been healthier. Never been happier.
Also 47 seems a bit high. Women go through a midlife crisis around 35-38 years old, men tend to have theirs in the early 40s.
More like when they stop being invited for parties and meetups just for being women. Gotta start chase the fun and spend money, like most men.
Link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_Enfield_Hunter_350
to younger people - do the exact opposite of this. do as much shit before you hit 40/50, travel as much as you can, love as much as you can… money will come and go, your 20s/30s will never come again
Also, in a typical old-boomer-says-do-as-what-I-say-not-as-what-I-do fashion... do exercise regularly. One day you will wake up and find out your right arm will not go up higher than Heil Hitler position. And it takes a year to get it back to somewhat normal.
Cybertruck order is imminent.
