Ohhh snap, I'm glad I asked, I had not seen that one during my browsing. It looks like it really does hit all the points, wow. Investigating it right now! Cheers!
Update: not available outside US, or you can get it shipped but it's locked to US carriers (which seems nonsensical...)
Anyway. I'm back looking at the Cat B35, and I think that does the job. Thanks again!
There are some carrier unlocked versions available. Or at least used to be. They seem pretty universal - I'm running a T-Mobile one on an AT&T MVNO right now, and it wasn't too big a hassle to set up. Unfortunately, I think these are nearing end of production, supplies seem to be limited lately.
I think it's a tad risky, as in, if I've an issue, returning it is an extra effort. Plus I'd be paying a fair bit extra for postage in the first place.
I think the best bet for me over here (Ireland) is to research the CAT phone that is dumb enough and not too expensive.