So what did work?
When I was younger, I "solved" the issue by moving. I would move cities, move apartments, move jobs, and so on and so forth. And that worked! Such significant external changes forced a coming out of sorts, forced me into action that kicked me out of my spiral. It also lead to new experiences and a lot of learning! Great for young me. But as I get older and have more responsibility and weight outside of myself in my life (now including wife, children, dog, and house), I cannot in good conscience keep doing the same.
I know how this may come off, but I did try micro-dosing more recently and found it supremely helpful, not as a long-term solution, certainly not as a means to enhance my ability to achieve more in any particular task, but supremely helpful in terms of kicking me out of a vicious and unrelenting downward spiral. Enough to find my footing and make my way out, replacing it for a more upward trajectory. Once footing is found, I can stop and, on my own, work my way up. The last time I did this was several years back, and we'll see how the cycles go from here.
All that to say I have found no perfect solution. I still search, though not as desperately as before. And time, more than anything, has its sway.
Why write this? Perhaps I'm just feeling introspective in the new year.
It's hard to explain to people who only get sad what real depression can do. In my case exacerbated by childhood/early adulthood trauma and homelessness, as well as ADHD, bipolar type II, and tourettic OCD. Some insensitive people who think they are smarter than health researchers think that's just a string of labels, but anyone actually suffering from those afflictions understands that they are typically comorbid and can have aassive effect on the range of highs and lows experienced in just five minutes, much less a day or week.
My sister tried killing herself twice in the last two years. That situation financially drained me during a time when I'd just been forced out of a CTO position during a hostile takeover, and, among other circumstances, caused me to completely crash out. I stopped talking to everyone, dropped a lot of responsibilities and hobbies, and just retreated to my comforts for a year. Hardest wave of depression I've had since I was a child getting beaten regularly, or a young adult having immense existential crises around my future prospects.
I can already tell that it will take a dew years to become normal again. Just hoping this was my early midlife crisis and that things will cruise from here for a while.
I wish you the best, and my email inbox is always open if you want to chat.
I am more on the journey to not give in to my thoughts anymore. They are not helping me. They are a tool, but they turn against me. Why should i listen to them? I try to ignore. And less ego. Helped me a lot to overcome my anger.
But everyone on its own. :)
Also thought I could get away from myself by getting away, and at times it helped a bit, but also often didn't. Sounds like you're on the path to feeling better. Less ego for the win.
I hadn't consider that my own moving around in my early twenties was a way to try and 'break out' of the cycle until you posted this.
Wishing you and your family the best in the new year!
On a more serious note: "wash your bowl, but upside down (because you'll notice the creator's stamp on the bottom, who'll you'll look up, meet, and make a friend or something)," seems to be the gist. He says to change your thinking, but it's notable that these kinds of interventions put you back into the world, with it's myriad opportunities, rather than inside your head and zombie routine, where everything is set. It's mindfulness.
Honestly I don't remember. I suppose I'd catch myself some of the times, but not the others and this just averaged out to me catching myself most of the times in the end.
When I catch my wife doing this (it's rare), I call it "fashion raccooning".
Pair that with talking with someone to reflect on if/how it worked to make it an even stronger funk-escape method.
[1] https://youtube.com/watch?v=IqP76XWHQI0 [2] https://youtube.com/watch?v=huzYji2OAD4
