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0 pointsrchaud10mo ago0 comments

> is this a concern for many men? It's never crossed my mind or been a problem for anyone I've known.

Not for me, I have been to plenty of meetups in my city. If you're not liked or don't get along with the others, the worst that can happen is that you'll be politely ostracized. The paranoia about being publicly "cancelled" seems very overblown.

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SoftTalker10mo ago

Well we already have people on this page commenting on the demograpic represented on the submitted web site. Yes, in today's world there are almost always people looking to play "gotcha" and will try to pin you as a racist, misogynist, homophobe, or some other sort of bigot or pariah.

rchaudOP10mo ago

How would that apply in a real life setting? You're assuming that busy people would take time out of their day to attend a social event in person to nitpick the demographic makeup of said event instead of making friendly banter. How often has that happened at social events you've attended?

bluefirebrand10mo ago

Anecdotally, when I lived in Victoria BC (a very lefty city) this did actually happen at events I went to more than once. I didn't go to events much so unless I just was unlucky to witness this sort of thing more than once, it was frequent

For what it is worth, I didn't think the complainers went out of their way just to complain, they did have a genuine interest in the events. They just also liked to complain about the demographics and steer the groups towards things that would make us "more inclusive"

It always ended the same way: the group mostly dissolved

jaredklewis9mo ago

Ok, but it still seems to be quite rare? I don’t live in the woods or anything and I’ve never been the victim of a “gotcha.” I’ve definitely offended people on various occasions (which I mostly felt bad about), but none of those people ever felt so strongly they tried to ruin my life over it. Nor have I ever known anyone that was “gotcha”-ed as you described.

I unfortunately have known people that have died in car crashes, which is very tragic, but I don’t refuse to drive anywhere as a result. There’s no data on this but I suspect we have far more car deaths than we do individuals who have been socially ostracized as a result of someone spinning their comments as racist/misogynistic/etc…

Basically, it seems like a bad way to run your life. “I might get hit by lightning, better not go outside.”

ryandrake9mo ago

I think the "They might 'gotcha' me and then cancel me as a [racist/sexist/bigot/etc]" fear is overblown and comes mostly from people chronically online and people who care what randos on Twitter write. Yes, the Internet is full of keyboard warriors just waiting to catch you saying something they can twist into some -ism, but these people don't exist in real life, or at least they keep their opinions to themselves in real life. I personally don't care what random people on the Internet think. They might be over there on Twitter canceling me as a racist or sexist right now, and it doesn't affect my life even slightly.

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skeaker9mo ago

Fact is that in a social situation, you don't get to decide how you're viewed. If someone says you're being a jerk, then in their eyes, you're being a jerk. You can't change society or whatever so that they don't view you as a jerk. It's not up to you how they view you. This is not a flaw with society, it is by design. By definition it is how socialization works, and it goes both ways.

You DO, however, control your own words and actions, and generally those have a strong correlation with how you're perceived. Food for thought.

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