I really scratch my head when I read your comment, as nothing of this is a real issue in my Jenkins.
> bunch of random Jenkins servers
Either PXE boot from an image, or k8s from an image, have a machine or pod rebooted/destroyed after one job. Update your image once a month, or have a Jenkins job to do that for you.
> Authentication, authorization, access control
Either use LDAP or Login via Github, and Matrix security plugin. Put all "Devops" group into admins, the rest into users, never touch it again.
> configuration
CASC plugin and seed for jobs, and/or Helm for just about everything else.
> env vars and secrets
Pull everything from Vault with Vault plugin.
> as a sysadmin Jenkins will suck the life out of you
I spend about 1-2 hours a week managing Jenkins itself, and the rest of the week watching the jobs or developing new ones.