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0 pointsgeorgemcbay11y ago0 comments

Yeah I actually snickered out loud at #5. It is such a facepalm-y bit of advice for most people.

Perhaps I've dated people with very different personalities than those ak39 has but there isn't a single one of them in my history for which #5 would be a useful response if they still felt slighted while the schedule was being followed. Quite the opposite, the suggestion to show them the schedule would be like tossing a live hand-grenade into whatever was already causing the disagreement.

In any case, IMO if you are drawing up schedules to fit your friends/family/SO into your life you've already implicitly prioritized work over them no matter how you balance the schedule. Which is fine if that's how you want to live your life, but be honest about it both to your loved ones and yourself.

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ak3911y ago

Showing evidence (or hard facts) is the best way to counter the "always" and "never" accusations. One may never "win" these types of emotional battles, but throwing in a Black Swan by means of evidence to an emotional argument is the quickest way to begin talking sensibly.

It works both ways too. If you broke a promised family engagement, it's there in black and white. Also, if you're seen as not devoting sufficient time for the family, the communication can move towards exactly how much (extent).

tonyarkles11y ago

I'm not sure what kind of relationships you've been in, but in my life experience (N~=10), evidence is typically not appreciated in this kind of argument. Introducing evidence into a disagreement was my standard approach and it did help occasionally, but the vast majority of the time it made it worse.

My new approach is to listen very carefully to what my partner is saying, especially to the emotions that she's feeling. Evidence isn't going to make her emotions change. There's usually something relatively simple that I can change about my behaviour that will result in her not having that negative emotion. We've been together for 5 years and we both agree that things are the best that we've ever had in a long term relationship.

ak3911y ago

I haven't been in many relationships, admittedly. Just one. This Dec it will be 19 years. Those years have produced three healthy and inquisitive boys. The four in total, in my life, are the most important and precious human beings.

But time with them, I have learnt for the sake of peace and fairness, in my life, needs to be scheduled! :-)

Wife and I have spent too much time arguing and disagreeing about too many things. As the years went by we realised gradually that some shit doesn't matter. Some shit does. Disagreements don't last when hard facts surface.

But of course, my advice to the OP remains anecdotal.

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0 pointsgeorgemcbay11y ago0 comments

Yeah I actually snickered out loud at #5. It is such a facepalm-y bit of advice for most people.

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ak3911y ago

tonyarkles11y ago

ak3911y ago

But time with them, I have learnt for the sake of peace and fairness, in my life, needs to be scheduled! :-)

But of course, my advice to the OP remains anecdotal.

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