The first man, I decided, was waiting for someone and was very clearly uncomfortable with the idea that he was sitting alone in a public place. His right leg was shaking rapidly (my right leg started doing the same thing as I watched him) and kept giving off signals that could only be interpreted as a mixture of anxiety and outward gestures to let people know that he was waiting for someone. He also kept taking out his phone, fiddling with it, and putting it back away. I was behind him, so I noticed that all he was doing was compulsively flipping back and forth between the home screens on his iPhone. Sure enough, a woman with whom he seemed well-acquainted with showed up five minutes later to join him, and he calmed down.
The second man had no scheduled guests beside his waiter and was calm as could be. He just sat, unoccupied, and enjoyed his meal and coffee alone while mildly observing his surroundings. He even noticed me glancing at him and offered a smile as if to say that he knew what I was doing. I smiled back.
The reality is, and this was one of the points of the article, that I hadn't even noticed either of them until I had intentionally given myself a reason to.
My recipe:
1. Go out, 2. alone, 3. with a book, 4. and drink a glass of wine.
It never fails me. Often I don't even read the book - it's just a handy crutch. If you do tire of gazing slowly at the surroundings, reach for the book rather than your phone. Never pull out your phone.
It's amazing how many little conversations I have with passers-by, the staff at the cafe, the person sitting next to me, or, equally lovely, just nobody. I just look around. I absorb the world for half an hour without really having to be doing anything, and certainly not with anyone.
There is your difference.
Enjoy the moment. Relax. Observe your surroundings. It's sad seeing people who cannot deal with lack of external stimulus, and the "difference" from the other patron in this situation shouldn't matter.
I've also noticed that people are a lot more likely to come up and start a spontaneous conversation with me when I'm not already part of a group of people. I don't know exactly why that is.....
Regarding the money constraint - if you wanted to go pretty cheap you can fairly easily travel in SE Asia for less than $1000 per month. Hostels are cheap. The best food is also the cheapest. Lots of cool things to do for free or very little money.
It sounds silly, but I really do. I toured ireland by bike with a friend of mine (so I wasn't alone) and there were a few times we split up and went off onto different paths, then would meet up later. I liked seeing things, meeting other people, and finding little used bookstores to sell of my previous book and buy another. Then I'd find a little cafe or restaurant and read a little.
I guess that's mostly just to say that you can really do whatever you enjoy normally for fun; sometimes it just feels better doing it in a different location, around a different culture. At first I thought "man, I wasted my money flying out here to read" but then I realized that I really liked it, and so, who cares? It was great.
I agree with the sibling post, also. I spent about a month in Thailand on a grand or so. We went all over the place. Chiang Mai was my favorite area, personally. Lots of culture, and lots to see all over, though.
I always used to take a Lonely Planet guide, and look for a cheapish hostel recommended there. There will usually be a few people in similar situations. Hang about in the common room (don't use a laptop, or mobile phone), and speak to people. Ask people if they fancy sharing a beer. They will have things that they have seen, and have loads of recommendations for you. If that doesn't work out, book on a group tour.
Its pretty easy to meet people if you put in the tiniest bit of effort.
It's about building trust with yourself, believing in you to be able to not only survive any situation, but to thrive.
We use people and technology as a social crutch and it limits our understanding of ourselves.
I hitchhiked throughout New Zealand by myself when I was 18 for 6 months and although it was a little uncomfortable and even scary at first I learned to trust myself and I built a huge amount of confidence that I still carry with me today.
Put yourself in situation where you have to trust strangers and in those authentic interactions you will see that humans around the world are really beautiful and loving and learn that it applied to yourself too.
My recommendation even for a weekend is to pack a small carry on size backpack with no electronics (phone, laptop, etc.) and go somewhere that you have never been in a way that you have never traveled. Hitchhike to Yosemite and find a place to camp and a fire to share.
Maintaining a fire isn't all that hard, and neither is pitching a tent, after you've done it once.
That said, I would personally recommend camping your first time with others, even if just on a meetup group or something (there's probably one in your area if you look, and if there's not, you can start one), though it's not critical.
Pitching a tent can be frustrating, but if you get to your campsite while there's still plenty of light, it's not that hard. Avoid doing it at night until you get experience, and you should be fine. As for starting a fire, take a piece of fire log and a lighter. Add small sticks and progressively larger ones. Read an article about it or two. It isn't that hard, though plenty of folks are opinionated about it -- like starting a fire with charcoals.
My email address is in my profile, and I'm an insanely avid camper / hiker, so feel free to email me, and I can give you tips, checklists, etc., etc.
I noticed you've posted an SMH link. If you're in the Sydney area I'd be happy to take you out. I really enjoy introducing people to the outdoors. I'm an infrequent camper these days but still head out a few times a year.
I do get conscious about it every now and then and things like eating in a busy restaurant weekend nights can be uncomfortable. Or going to see a gig and then getting very bored while waiting between bands.
Sometimes I see great things or I fall deep into my thoughts and get some new insights, but don't immediately get to share them with anyone. When I get back home after half a year or so most of my friends comment that the time just flew by. They ask me what has happened and it's difficult to explain. It's like nothing happened to me, but for many many times.
While it would be nice to travel (as others have done, which is great), go to beer/food festivals and concerts this summer, I'd rather be reviewing Vector Analysis, Linear Algebra, and Quantum Mechanics to get ready for the Fall semester so that I can be ready with the material in class. This isn't to be taken as an absolute. But for right now, it's the right thing to do, and to do anything to the contrary would be a poor use of my time and lead to more guilt and anxiety.
At 33 with many goals has made me realize that time management is essential, and not investing in those goals will result in repeated failure and frustration.
There's no shame in doing things alone and saying no to group activities. It's all about Opportunity cost and the scarcity of resources. That resource being time.
I like to go on drives into the middle of nowhere, usually deciding what turn to take when I take the turn. Some other person would just be sitting in the car blinking as I thought that one dirt road with no one on it was /the best/ turn to make at this second.
Or, I'll go to the zoo, and take photographs; but, that's not something that's very fun to do with other people. I fear they'll get bored as I decide to sit by a single animal enclosure for the next two hours, just waiting for the creature there to do something photo-worthy.
I also often go out to eat alone. I have weird feeding schedules, and sometimes I want to eat somewhere nice, so ... bleh. I actually don't feel too bad about eating alone, but sometimes it could be quite a bit more fun to do it in a group.
I do prefer to see movies with friends, though. There's the discussion about the movie immediately after seeing it that I quite enjoy.
I also prefer to participate in extreme sports with others. Maybe not going with them the whole time the extreme sport is happening; but, there is safety in numbers in an activity that you could literally die from.
..
Long story short, for people that haven't done things alone for the awkwardness reasons. I encourage you to try it. It can be quite a lot of fun, depending on the activity.
Maybe the important thing is to do things alone if necessary, but try to form connections with people. Human beings are social creatures, and we all need some form of interaction. Like my dad's mother-in-law told me, "Don't get too used to being alone." I asked her why, and she didn't really give much of an answer, but as I've grown older, I see the importance of friendships and relationships.
I go alone at restaurants pretty often, and what you described (more or less) only happened to me once: after I had finished my meal I went to the restroom. When I returned I found out that the book I had left on the table was no longer there. I asked the waiter about it (this was a fancy restaurant, where I go once in a blue moon), and he told me that the Italian tourists from the table next to me (some self-important shmucks) had told him that I had gone away for good, without paying.
Anyway, other than that eating out alone is pretty nice. I generally have issues with eating food in front of other people while talking and socializing (apart from very close people, like family or SO), so in this way I can eat whatever I like at whatever pace I want. Plus, I have like 4-5 or restaurants to which I go pretty often and is always nice to see that the people from there know you pretty well. May be because of the larger than average tips I leave at the end, or because they feel that I look strange eating out alone :), I wouldn't know, is nice all the same.
And about your relatives' piece of advice: In general is true, but is way, way harder when you find out that you are (and have been, for some time) alone by yourself even though you had been surrounded by all sorts of nice people who supposedly should have cared for you (family, close friends, SO etc).
I was in the US (NYC) last year and went to a music event at a bar. My girlfriend and I were there an hour early, so we grabbed a table of four near the front (we were meeting two other friends). When our friends arrived and sat down, we noticed that someone had left a jacket on one of the chairs at our table while we were sitting there (it wasn't there when we took the table).
We were a little confused but our friends sat down anyway. Right as the show was starting, an older guy came up and said that we were in "his" seat, as it had his jacket on it. He was pretty angry that we'd taken "his" seat, and we didn't feel like an argument, so we let him drag the chair off somewhere else, but it felt like he was being a bit of an asshole.
Is this a social thing in the US that I just don't get (I'm British) or was the guy just being an asshole?
The only drawback is having to occasionally justify to friends why I don't bring a friend along (aren't you lonely? Aren't you bored? No). Probably a lot like the dog and pony show vegans have to put on when they meet someone new (don't you miss the eggs and cheese?)
I think there is a stigma attached going out alone though - I have random people ask me if I am alone and seem surprised by the answer. I do a lot of other stuff alone also, such as eating a restaurants, walking, etc. Going out alone is the most fun because there is alcohol involved.
Moral of the story: You can still have fun, but if you have a girlfriend, wife, or good friends, it's definitely better than doing things alone (IMO)
I've been doing things alone a lot since I moved to another city. And it really seems weird to the people I talk to.
"Are you waiting for someone?"
"No."
"Are you alone?"
"No. Look around. There are so many people here."
I think the article is quite correct with the spot light theory. People are way too concerned about what others might think. So it actually seems to be a good thing that I mostly don't care about that.
One downside for me is that – I asked a random stranger about that – it seems I don't look approachable. She said, it seemed to her that she needed to say something smart to me rather than just asking me if I want to have a drink with her. I haven't figured out what the reason is but I would really like to change that.
This is the hardest part to combat, especially at a bar when there's no attraction (say, a sports game) on. There is such an intense expectation for group social activity in nightlife that makes it very hard to go solo.
For this reason, I almost never have a good time going out to a bar by myself so I'm surprised you enjoy it. Theatres and restaurants, on the other hand, I have much better luck with.
* make sure the bars you go in are crowded.
* given (1), always look for a long line for a drink, it gives you a lot of time to start a convo
* never sit down, always be standing (makes it it easier for people to approach you)
* go out later at night, people are more intoxicated and are more willing to talk (for better or for worse)
if a random person asks me if i am alone these days, i usually just tell them i am waiting for a friend that is running late and they drop it - but if i follow that check list, i never run into that situation anymore anyways.
I hate sports and dont follow them so I can never use them as a conversation starter. i live in NYC and this works in the Lower East Side / East Village / West Village - San Fran might be tougher - not sure
Well, wapo, that depends. If the other two extra plates of food next to him are for imaginary friends it puts a totally different twist on things that might be sad after all.
I enjoyed the article and wouldn't want author to think I found fault with it. Maybe author would be amused that someone noticed the extra food at the table, and, in fact, intended it as an easter egg?
For certain evening activities it should be obvious why in company is better than solo. These occasions become cherished chapter points where we reflect and share all kinds of information. We celebrate even the smallest milestones, any excuse for cheers.
I wonder how often solo activities cause valued nostalgic feelings later? I have a cherished memory of a hike in the mountains I did alone, but no great memories of solo dining-out adventures. So if we accept the objective is to get some work done on a laptop when dining alone, or travelling alone, then that's all good. But ordinarily non-work-related dining out and travelling would be best done with someone else.
To suggest we should do more things alone I couldn't generally agree with, (depending on the activity - visiting an art gallery is great to do alone.)
Even without active social interaction, I find people watching to be very enjoyable anyway.
Otherwise, dinner at fairly standard hours - somewhere in the 6p-8p range, later in some areas.
^This... I'm European and when I've visited USA / Silicon Valley (w/o knowing many people there) I have gone alone to hackathons, clubs, meetups, conferences, and many other places... and I've enjoyed it even more than other times I've gone out with friends. Doing things alone is powerful specially for making new connections, if you have the right mindset, even when you're in a foreign country.
Recommended vid: "Going Out Solo: How to hit the clubs alone and still have fun"
Description: Going out solo isn't something to be ashamed of or even afraid of. Sometimes your friends aren't willing but if you're on a mission to better yourself socially you wouldn't allow that to be an excuse. If you need a little encouragement on where to start I have some pointers for you
> Recommended vid: "Going Out Solo: How to hit the clubs alone and still have fun"
I went on a solo trip to Japan couple of years ago. Even though I had planned out the trip tightly, I ended up veering off course. For example, I was just strolling aroud one day, and saw a fellow solo tourist hop into a bike rental shop. So I followed him, and rented a bike myself too. Whopping $9/day. And we kept on crossing path over the course of day, which was hilarious.
Around 9pm, I needed to return the bike, but I was completely lost. With all businesses shut down in deserted part of kyoto, I was helpless. But I found this one-man police station, so I walked in, asking for help. This chubby jolly patrolman was so delighted to help despite communication barrier, he went out of his way to walk me towards the rental shop.
Another day, I was just observing people on the street. I was surprised how many young men and women make living hawking on behalf of clubs and restaurants. One young lad caught my attention. He was shouting loud and he looked thirsty. So I ran to a nearby vending machine and handed him a can of ice coffee. Initially he was completely baffled, but then he got it after my lame attempt at communicating. And thanked me and gave me a big smile. So he and I have a nice shared memory.
Anyway, both types of trips are enjoyable. People who've never done solo travel definitely should, when luxury allows.
So one thing I've come to realize is that when you go to a restaurant alone there's usually zero waiting time for seating, that's a plus. :)
Personal anecdote time: About a year ago a band I like (which also happens to be a side project of members of my favorite band) was playing in my city and I was trying to find friends to come with me, but none could or wanted to. I spent a few hours beforehand agonizing over whether or not to go alone but I finally decided "screw it, I'm going." Got to the club, band came on, played a kick-ass show, and after I went to buy a record at the merch table I spotted the singer (also one of the core members of said favorite band) hanging out by the bar just talking to people. So I went over and said hi, shook his hand, told him how awesome the show was and was generally a starstruck idiot the whole damn time.
None of that would have happened had I decided not to go alone, and it seemed silly in retrospect that I spent so long agonizing over the decision, but I was definitely grappling with a degree of social anxiety. But now it's something I do all the time. The key was convincing myself that no one actually cares if you're at a concert by yourself.
I think that's true of a lot of other social situations, but sometimes it's a hard mentality to internalize. Kind of weird how much we care about strangers' perceptions of us.
Very true. If you're halfway serious about art, you should not go to Museum with anyone, but by yourself. Museum viewing is intensely solo activity.
Theater though, you're held captive to the seat for 2 hours, so it's more about what you do before and after, that people have reservation about.
When I first moved to SF 17 years ago I was going out to eat alone quite a lot, this was before the smartphone so instead of technology I took a book instead.
I have a lot of friends so it's not a question about that. It's just that solitude brings out some interesting perspectives on life.
At my own steady pace, I'll get somewhat lost in the woods. Total silence and just the trees and snow. Maybe sit down and take it all in. I find these trips to be the best vacations and often I don't stay more than a day.
I'm sometimes self-conscious about it too but mostly (I feel) because of other people's views, not mine.
However, I feel really awkward by myself in a bar (unless there's a show of some sort). I really feel like a loner desperate to meet other people. Interestingly, I have no problem if I'm waiting for someone.
Sporting events and music shows are, I've found over the years, great things to go alone to. It might be a bit intimidating to start talking to a group of people, but approaching someone who's by themselves (or even a small group) can lead to a nice conversation or potentially something more lasting.
Perhaps a bigger contributing factor may be that many US citizens simply have less disposable income these days. If you are living alone in a high cost of living city (such as DC where the WP is HQ'd), you most likely have much less money to spend on bars, restaurants and movie theaters.
Fortunately, DC has many free museums, parks, trails, etc where you often find folks doing things in groups, pairs and alone without any stigmas or high costs.
Hell is other people
It has taught me so much about how to fearlessly socialize with strangers in a completely non-needy (not to mention non-creepy) way. Also, all of the bullsh*t that you have to deal with just in terms of getting into good clubs (at least in NYC, where you have to promote girls into the door just to get in) makes normal work challenges seem trivial.
It is not for the faint of heart, but in case anyone is wondering it will pay DIVIDENDS in terms of life skills (and the short-term "benefits" can also be good :).
Personally I think time spent at home is can be as good as time spent out side of home. The article in question does not do any comparative study — it is just assumed that staying at home means not having fun.
I used to have a museum membership so I could go everyday for free if I wanted to. I often went every other day just to get coffee, or to use the free wifi for work. It was subjectively a very different experience than being with someone.
I am pretty sure if you measured something like endorphins or blood pressure, you'd see there was more enjoyment with someone than without. There are tons of studies that already do this, e.g. the ones written up by UCSF profs in "A General Theory of Love."
At least the entertainment business can console itself with the fact that they're pirating less.
You got food 'n' shelter, what more do you want? Why you interested in Rust or Elon Musk?
The era of the middle-class was a blip on the historical radar. Feudalism ruled supreme for thousands of years and couldn't be clearer that we are currently backsliding into an era of "digital feudalism".
It's not like Google, to name the obvious example, is really hiding their intentions. Larry Page just a few weeks ago said he thinks government is becoming more irrelevant and "outdated" and nobody even blinked. Well who's going to replace the outdated dinosaur government? The writing is on the wall. Anyone who seriously believes in the pipe dream of a libertarian utopia is a deluded fool. The innocently named "Internet of Things" is bringing the big SV players into every corner of every home and it's not about controlling your toaster with a smartphone, but it most certainly is about control. How exactly things will play out is impossible to predict - I mean a 2010 podcast of academics and students discussing Facebook Twitter and MySpace sounds quaint and old-fashioned - but history shows what happens when power is concentrated in a few hands. And the USSR was supposed to be a Utopia too...
Personally I quite enjoy living in tumultuous times but it's worth remembering the Chinese saying "may you live in interesting times" was used as a curse ;-) Don't be evil, now!