He is "I feel like eating a bullet would make the world a better place." even joking about life ending events can show visualization and ideation and the fact that he/she feel like the world would be a better place clearly shows long term self devaluation. A person that has overcome depression can clearly spot the signs in another person, it's very strange you don't see them in yourself when you are in it, but once you overcome it you instantly see the tell tail signs in others. The OP clearly exhibits signs of depression, whether it situational or long term is unknown but they clearly need professional help. I understand that depression is way over-diagnosed much like ADD but this is not a case of the blues the OP has every tell tail sign of depression. I don't mean this to come off rude but if you have never suffered from it, then there is no way for you to comprehend the hell of depression, what seems so trivial to the normal person can seem insurmountable to the depressed a task as simple as paying the bills can seem insurmountable you literally cant figure out where to start or how to get yourself to start.

OP, if you do not already take it start a course of vitamin D, you will be surprised at how fast it clears your head and gives you motivation to move ahead again. Personally I believe you need to seek help, if you have tried SSRI's and they have not worked (I personally think they are ineffective and cause more harm than good) you may want to see if your doctor will try a course of Gabapentin it has had very good results in stemming both situational and long term depression. If you do go on meds look at as being akin to antibiotics a medicine to get you thru a sickness develop a plan with you doctor to phase out of medicine but use it to break the cycle once depression has a hold on you as you know it can be very hard to break. Getting momentum is the most crucial part and medicine can help you gain that momentum.

My contact info is in my profile if you want to talk one on one. I have been where you are, it has been a long time ago but I still know how it felt. You are not alone and there are people that will help.

Please do me a favor tomorrow first thing in the morning please go and get a bottle of vitamin D at least 2000 IU preferably 4000 and take it in the morning. Do not take it at night because it can interfere with melatonin production. Give it about 3 days and see if you start to feel better.