I love to be alone but hate to be lonely, and I haven't found a balance of "what am I supposed to do" yet.
That's a great way to put it.
Maybe you're coming across as a super interested in what people have to say, that you're artificially (can't think of a better word) keeping the conversation in their court.
Allowing the conversation to go silent and see what happens. If they don't want to reciprocate or don't appear to listen or seem interested, then maybe move on.
Note: I'm not dismissing and would largely agree to what you're saying (people just hear).
When developing a new relationship, friends or otherwise, it’s great to ask them questions about themselves, to try to learn more about them and to empathize with them. After awhile, generally the person realizes they’ve spent a lot of time talking about themselves and begin to ask you questions about yourself. If they don’t do that, then you’ve met someone, you learned a new perspective, and maybe consider trying again with another person somewhere else. It’s hard to find meaningfully good friends, but when you do, it’s worth it. Life, like coding, is just trial and error.
> Everyone likes to reminisce, but no one wants to listen, and everyone feels annoyed when someone else tells a story.
That quote really resonated with me, as I realized how true it was for my interactions in the last few months.
Well, I always thought that I feel lonely because I'm a foreigner in US. It seems like the culture itself at least contributes partly.
There is a bizarre phenomenon that I don't understand about socializing in US: outside of specialized hobby groups or clubs, people don't do stuff when they are together. They just "hang out" around grills and pizzas. And it's not because of the lack of opportunities. If you are really good friends, you might go to watch a sports game or play sports together. If you are in a hiking hobbyist group, you might go hiking. But among general acquaintances, all participatory activities seem to disappear.
Whereas in China, you have the choice of KTV, escape rooms, cards, and all sorts of group recreational activities.
Of course, it could be that I'm hanging around the wrong crowd here in the US. My anecdotal experience certainly doesn't cover a lot of population.
America is a big place (China is too!) and there are a lot of distinct sub-cultures. There absolutely is karaoke, escape rooms, cards, and all sorts of recreational activities in the US, and these wouldn't exist if nobody did them. In my experience these sort of things are mostly done by people 25 and under.
To be fair, watching television is a big part of American culture. Eating food is a big part of every culture I'm familiar with.
Also, I'd be suprised 46% of the population feeling lonely at least sometimes wasn't very normal in most highly urban and mobile societies.
Edit: accidentally slaughtered a few words
Would the individualism of American culture contribute to loneliness?
It does. People spend too much time on self-help and individual pursuits to actually hang around and waste time.
Wasting time in a "Time is money" society is contradictory.
I know others get this feeling but for me it’s much longer lasting and stronger. The half-life is around days not hours and so it also impacts my weekends.
I then find it difficult to feel connected with my friends and partner and I hate myself for it.
In contract on holidays, I feel bubbly, the conversation flows and overall I am a much more sociable person.
The feeling of being wired is specifically linked to deep thinking when programming or doing maths. I don’t get it when I “work hard” for example writing. It impacts my thoughts, mind, mood and composition.
Does anyone else feel like this?
I’ve found it helpful to explain the difficulties of programmer brain to others as being like trying to talk to me while I’m on the phone to someone. I can do it, but it’s not comfortable and I might not make you feel as connected as I’d want you to
> Seek Collectives
Being passionate about geeky stuff can be a lonely hobby if you live in a small city of a small country. Even at my job, I am the only developer at my department.
But what shocked me most while interviewing for a remote position, was the fact that it was difficult for me to talk about tech and describe what I previously did. The thing I am doing for a few years now and I couldn't talk normally about it, and it shocked me that I didn't have trained that "specific social muscle" at all because I don't have anyone to talk to about technology.
Now I am looking for better opportunities abroad, which is another amplifier of loneliness.
You have to deliberately live in a very abnormal way to avoid it.
Most Americans have very little contact with strangers outside of their workplace. It's a real tragedy.
