The thing is I don't even like hanging out with people most of the time but I get into this space where it feels like a biological necessity.
Does anyone have any tips on how to give myself attention? Or, in other words, how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely? I feel like I need this lifeskill in order to proceed in my life.
I have a pattern of loneliness pushing me into making very foolish decisions.
That’s pretty unusual self awareness. Respect. Glad you’re asking for help.
Let me proffer some of the obvious suggestions: D&D type of gaming (not for me but my adult child has met many great people that way), going to the gym, yoga class, chamber of commerce, get involved with a charity that means something to you, start going to church.
Try talking to people but when I say talking I really mean listening with all your heart, and being interested in them. Everyone has a story. If you’re genuinely interested, they will reveal everything within a few minutes. my kids make gentle fun of me for interviewing people, but I just like to listen to what people are really saying and respond by learning more about them. (If you are sincere it will incidentally help you enormously with women.)
A slightly less obvious one: get really good at something. When I do this I shoot to be better than about 80% of people, which you can usually do with raw work and without requiring some kind of genetic superiority. If you do it right the process is rewarding, and the outcome is also rewarding. Get fluent at a challenging language like Chinese or Arabic? Work out enough to get fairly ripped? Give away something great on GitHub? You’re a recruiter if your username applies, and maybe just focus on making a lot of money? That sounds shallow and you don’t have to take it very seriously, but I have learned that getting better than most people at some kind of lucrative or socially valued skill just helped me enormously, and you can you can usually do that simply by working hard and with common sense. The reason I harp on this angle is that when you’re pretty darn good at something, it attracts people. And getting good at something usually requires that you take on multiple topics well at once, which makes you feel better about yourself.
You can reach out to me via the email address in my profile and we can chat if you want. I have no agenda but I’m a decent listener.
To me there has never been anything wrong with money being one of my motivations, although I always balanced it with family life and enjoyment of the job.
I worked two or three jobs a day for a generation so I could have enough money. I wasn’t safe when I grew up, and I have never felt “above that” ;) My kids grew up safe. Money means I can take care of my family’s substantial medical bills and have some reserve if things get wonky. It means my farm is completely paid off, no mortgage and no credit card debt. Having money saved meant that when I was fired from one gig I could take nine months off to level up my skills and get the best job of my life. Money meant that we could get a new roof when we needed one, as opposed to spending years when I was a kid with pots strategically located under holes in the ceiling during winter.
Nothing wrong with treating money like the valuable tool it is. To me it’s amazing that you are able to turn the spigot on and off (not being facetious).
Don’t expect that putting 10,000 hours into something will solve any of your social issues.
However, doing nothing is very likely to lead to nothing.
I know this is anecdata but for me going to the gym is great but is an antithesis of a place when you make new relationships. I was going to a gym and a swimming pool for a couple of years and I met zero new people - practically no any discussions except an occasional "Hi!".
There are much better ways to beat loneliness. This only creates problem not just to the individual but to the society. Less religion is better.
Not that it matters, but I've never managed to make friends going to the gym. Still love going of course and its worth doing, but at least for me and the gym I go to, its not really a social space.
1. Use your health insurance to get a therapist. This is a good outlet and can make you more socially attractive since you won't be carrying around as much unspoken weight.
2. Work really hard to get more people around you. The world is opening up after Omicron. Be resourceful. Make a list of all the various in-person social outlets you can find and start going to them.
3. Get "How to Win Friends and Influence People" on Audible and listen to that repeatedly until you've grokked it.
4. Open yourself up to being friends with people you might not think you could be friends with. Right now you're in need--don't be too picky, within reason.
I believe in you. You can get more people in your life.
Your not the only lonely person around!
(If I were to be honest, my plain question is “what is wrong with enjoying human company just because human company is enjoyable?”. It’s like saying it’s manipulative to eat to resolve hunger to me, as if every meal should be some Michelin star experience or starvation.)
I have a similar perspective: And what I've learned is that the core is compassion (and love): Compassion for yourself first, and compassion for others. Learn to be open with yourself about how you actually feel, not just the safe emotions but most of all the ones you hide from - compassion is for the sins, not the easy happy stuff. And have compassion for them and for yourself; it's a hard life, and loneliness can be the worst. Again, compassion isn't for the saints or perfect, it's for the serious faults we all carry, the humanity; I suspect the forgiveness of some religions is tied to that need. First be our own companions. How can we connect authentically, genuinely to others if we aren't authentic with ourselves?
Looking for others to relieve our loneliness, as you note, is just objectifying them (I don't mean to be absolute; you don't need to be an ascetic). Learn how to supply that love you need from the inside and not only will you be much less lonely, having your closest companion always with you, inseperable by the events of the outside world, but also that love and compassion will grow in you and be something you can share; it transforms how you feel about, perceive, and connect to others.
I think I'm missing something here. Isn't this what friends are for? I call up (nonromantic) friends and be like, "I'm kind of lonely, wanna hang out?" That's not 'using people'. I don't feel used if a friend wants to hang in person or in Discord because they're feeling lonely.
Consider reading _The Elephant In The Brain_, by Kevin Simler and Robin Hanson; its central thesis is that almost everything we do (including charity, art, lifting, laughing, hundreds of things) is ultimately about signalling things to other people, usually to make ourselves look good or desirable in some way. In that sense, everything we do is manipulative. Embrace it! There really are no "pure" motives.
I was in a similar situation a few years back. I had a wife, worked from home, and all was well. Lost my wife(divorce, not death), was ok with that...but I went insane. Seriously insane. I was in an ambulance 6 months later speaking gibberish thinking I was dying.
I realized I both hated people and needed them, unfortunately. Being alone drove me crazy, but I still didn't like the idea of best friends and such. It's just not me.
Out of pure coincidence or craziness I found solace in FB. I made an account with false info, and added people all around the world, so I'd always have someone to talk to. And for me, that worked wonders. I found it so interesting South Americans, Africans, south Asians, and to some extent rural Americans were willing to be friends so easily, whereas most European countries or big city people were so guarded and asked why you added them.
Ended up meeting and marrying my wife as one of the 4 or 5k friends I'd added and talked to each day. And now, I have no FB, but I'm perfectly happy working from home as I have company(wife and her child).
It didn't last long. After a few minutes I finally typed "Why are you talking to me?" and the other person just answered "Why not?"
It was interesting and I keep looking forward to continue chatting with her
I omitted the part about people like that because ultimately, they were easy to see through - whining about needing money after talking for a few minutes, being overtly flirtatious, etc. They just weren't a large percentage of those I'd met.
In any event, good luck, hope you've found a new friend.
https://www.scmp.com/news/people-culture/social-welfare/arti...
No, foreigners aren't out to kill you, just say hi.
To find a sense of belonging, you need 2 things. One is frequent positive interaction and the other is ongoing relationships where you feel cared about.
Our technology to date has worked against us here.
My recommendation is to find a community that you can start to interact with regularly. There are many that will welcome you, but also know it will take time before you start feeling like you belong- and just try to stick with it while it's uncomfortable.
Some ideas: 12-step programs, there are ones like Al-anon or CoDA where you don't have to have any substance issues yourself and deal more with relationships. Communities around people you admire, like Patreon communities that surround a particular artist or thought-leader. Or potentially Meetups, if they meet more regularly than once a month. Meditation groups or other spiritual communities tend to be fairly welcoming as well. Volunteering can be another avenue if the organization does something that is meaningful to you.
The most important aspect is that they have some kind of "meeting others" aspect and aren't just Discords or something where it's a lot of work to get to know people on any sort of personal level. In person or small video calls are good.
Above all, know that this is something that does take work, though social media makes it seem like people just have these great lives or you just need to join a Facebook group or something. But it's not impossible or complicated.
The weird thing is, the more you extend acceptance to other people in a group context, the more you'll find belonging in yourself. And give yourself as much of a break as you can here. You are noticing something isn't right and that's a really good self-reflexive step.
I'd never thought about systemic root causes this way. Thank you for frame this out at a social systems level.
I grew up in a medium-sized town where a lot of people, and most business people, were part of social organizations like Elk's Club, Rotary, bowling leagues, VFW, Knights of Columbus, softball teams, etc. I watched those social organizations wither as our city grew exponentially (from a surge of transplanted Californians driving our local tech renaissance and enjoying the relatively low property values), which seemed odd - more people should mean more members in these clubs? The way you frame it seems to explain this observation though - so many people moving in, dislocating the job market, being so far from family, etc. A by-product was the the death of those social clubs. Or maybe just the death of the existing social clubs I, as a local, was used to people joining as they came of age in our business and social community.
And of course, I eventually moved for school.... So I left my local Rotary Club and softball team...
Try work from a coffee shop, go to the gym, join a co-working space. These are all low pressure spaces where nobody really expects you to be actively sociable but you can still be around others.
There's a fair bit of projection in this comment as for a while I thought I didn't need to socialise (despite actually being somewhat extroverted) and went through something similar to you.
You're not alone in feeling alone. A large percentage of people go through seasons of loneliness at times, and to a healthy degree it signals a need that is OK to have. Doesn't make it feel better in the moment, but I went thru a solid year+ of feeling alone after a big breakup.
>> how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely? I feel like I need this lifeskill
For the vast majority of people, this is not a thing. Given you're writing this post, it's not you. People know by their 30s if they've got the loner mentality and are completely content in their own world. You're not weak for feeling alone, and it's not a skill you will ever master.
That said, loneliness can be exacerbated by things like shame/guilt that needs healing, poor sleep, excess stress, underlying health conditions, "winter blues", social media, lack of success on dating apps (d-appression), porn usage (interrupts innate intimacy drives), abuse of drugs/alcohol, etc.
Have you taken the opportunity to change after your divorce? Get a new place, find new hobbies, maybe a new job or a move? Some of the loneliness could be you're not listening to yourself asking for the change you really need. Loneliness is always a signal for connection - to connect with yourself, God, others, etc.
>> I have a pattern of loneliness pushing me into making very foolish decisions.
Everyone is like this. The buffalo separate from the herd is prime target for an evening meal. Find your herd.
You need a system. I used to be extremely depressed. My approach when I feel depressed is to write a "stop being depressed" plan and then follow it. My plan would start simple and get harder. I would start with my health, my appearance and my surroundings and then work up to addressing the problem.
I recommend you write a "stop feeling lonely" plan and try to follow it. Here is a good example of what I would do if I were you.
A template for a "Stop Feeling Lonely" plan:
0. Eat a breakfast of eggs and sauteed spinach with salt (something healthy) 1. Eat vitamins, Omegas, B-vitamins, minerals. Make sure it isnt a nutrition imbalance getting you down. Must be healthy. 2. Clean your room / house - begin gaining control and adding structure to your surrounding 3. Walk / go to gym / cardio - increase body temperature in some way 4. Make a list of 5 people, send them a text, ask to hang out / catch up / coffee / lunch 5. Try to have a 15-30 minute call with one of the people, ask how they are doing, see what they are up to, is anything going on? Ask for their advice, mention your divorce situation. Try to connect. 6. Repeat
I used plans like this to nearly always stop my depression. It almost always worked. The biggest hidden killer was the mineral deficiency. You would be surprised how missing a hidden nutrient or two can cause really bad effects. The solution is to ensure you are never running low on minerals.
I think there are two advantages to this method. First, it gets you over the inertia of not talking to people. You don't worry about an awkward "hello" because you're intentionally being a bit awkward with the slightly goofy start. Second, some people like to talk and will engage you in conversation. Most people will nod, ignore you, or say something like "Yep", but some people will stop and talk. If you do this kind of thing on a schedule you'll find the same people, talk to them repeatedly, and before you know it, you have an acquaintance. Push a little bit and an acquaintance could become a friend.
Listening is a skill, but you cannot feign interest when you have none. It will teach you to be recessive conversationally, and people will walk all over you. I suggest practicing active listening when a subject is interesting to you - but do not force it. People will start to think that they can use you as a sounding board for anything, which makes you feel like you don't respect yourself - because you've cornered yourself by forcing yourself to listen to things that are uninteresting.
Sometimes you can find people who notice that you're practicing active listening, and they'll practice it back - in the real world, this sort of person is rare. When you find someone like that, you should notice them, and pursue their friendship.
Do not read "how to win friends and influence people" - that book is mentally damaging imho, and only helps to reinforce the idea that you must feign interest in order to win friends.
Here are some social rules that I live by:
- no feigning interest, it's disrespectful
- express genuine interest or excitement, always
- hang out with people i don't want to be around
- no holding back the desire to be around someone more often (LET THEM KNOW)
- tell my friends that i love them
- unless i feel a resounding HELL YES about a commitment, i do not make it
First of all, get a weekly hobby. Show up every time it happens for a month. the friends will come. Choose a hobby that's active - group hikes, bike rides, rock climbing, etc. Active hobbies bond people in ways that inactive hobbies do not, and will give you a lot of funny stories to tell. Take that risk and get yourself out there!
If that doesn't work, try a meditation group or church - contrary to popular opinion, you'll find that most spiritual practices really promote active listening, and help people become known & expressive.
> Can you expand a little on how to actively listen better?
First, I should say that active listening takes effort for most people. You have to put yourself in a position to spend energy - that means good sleep, caffeine, exercise - whatever you need to be in good mental shape. It's a critical pre-requisite to active listening.
This is why it is so important to pick people who are interesting to you - you cannot (and should not!) actively listen to everyone who talks to you. It will drain you.
When you're in a conversation that is of interesting to you, you can decide to actively listen. I call this process "having an active conversation" - here are some things that I recommend doing:
- take time to process what the person has said before responding. natural pauses are interesting, take your time to make sure you care about what you're asking
- don't fill silences with uninteresting filler. just wait. mature & interesting conversation partners will simply let silence be silence.
- if it's their turn to talk, not everything they say will be 100% interesting to you - if you are practicing active listening, be sure to fully comprehend everything they say. this is why active listening takes energy. focusing on everything helps you generate questions that lead to engaging genuinely interesting conversation.
- check in with yourself periodically, and ask the following:
how long have each of us spent leading the conversation?
in active conversation, the people engaged will take turns leading the conversation. if you feel like you're taking up most of the room, ask them a leading question and give them space to talk. if you feel like they're taking up most of the room, interrupt them and take the conversation back into your hands.
is this person actively listening to me?
if not, they're likely listening passively (not fully comprehending, uninterested in coming up with questions), which is a sign of disrespect/disinterest. either exit the conversation, or flip the light back to them.
to reiterate this, do not let your conversation partner prattle on forever about whatever _they're_ interested in. conversations are 2-sided. if they are taking up too much space, it's your responsibility to interrupt them and flip the focus to something you're interested in. this goes double if you don't know the person very well - do not let them talk at you forever, unless you're genuinely interested in hearing all of it.
is this conversation interesting to me?
if you decide that this active conversation sucks (many of them do!), disengage. don't pretend you can be brutally honest - few of us can - but don't be dishonest either. simply say "thanks for the convo, i'm going to go do X" or similar.
the key for you (and me) is to not hesitate to end the conversation or interrupt someone who is taking advantage of our active listening. many people do this without realizing it.
hang out with people i don't want to be around
why should i hang out with people if i already know that i don't want to be around them?
maybe you mean that you don't want to be around people that you don't know. that's an important distinction. if being around unknown people is uncomfortable then yes, i should try to deal with that, my approach is to find some reason to be there other than the people themselves. a hobby or some other common interest which allows me to focus on that interest and ignore the people until i am more comfortable with the people themselves.
> don't hang out with people i don't want to be around
Twitch can also be good to hang out with random people doing random things. Streams with a small audience let you interact with people more.
You can search for local events in your area using http://eventbrite.com or others.
You can volunteer at an animal shelter, etc.
You can also get a pet. Just don't get a bird as they scream all the time.
This was helpful for me. I joined some groups doing hikes and bike rides in the woods around town. Found I could chose how social to be, be it chatting a lot or just along for the ride.
I came to understand that spending time alone needs to be balanced with time-with.
Similar to time indoors and time outdoors - if I don’t take my daily walk, I start feeling uneasy and claustrophobic.
Or, sitting still and moving / working out.
I call my body “the puppy”. It needs to be taken out, it needs play, it needs a “pack” - or it will get sick.
So yes, spending time with people is a biological necessity.
Doesn’t have to be in person. I started by calling friends during my walks. So I’d have an hour long walk and a 30-40 min honest, open, uncensored conversation about what matters in my life and what matters in theirs. Making sure to spend about equal times on each other. The result is feeling connected, seen, know that I matter to someone.
I highly recommend this - found the conversation practice to be an essential contribution to my mental health.
In your case, I’d consider looking for ways to spend time with your children. This kind of separation is very heavy on the heart.
As for how did I find 5-7 friends… I called more than that and befriended the ones who showed up for it. I didn’t mind being the one initiating for a while, or being turned down.
But eventually they’d pick up with “let me guess - you’re on your evening walk and need a friend to talk to”
Yes, I am, and you’re the friend.
My friends all had kids and moved away and I feel… lost. My wife works nights, and I spend my nights alone. I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore, and with work from home having not seen my coworkers in two years… I am alone.
Once you beat depression, introversion and loneliness qualitatively feel very different. When you have depression you can even feel lonely in a crowd or even when you're with your best friends or family members. You just don't feel connected to anyone and human interactions become utilitarian instead of comforting and you want to scream inwardly even when they are outwardly "going well".
My $0.02 feel better hope you find some peeps to connect with and that you are ready to
Two important things I can comment on that might help;
1) It's not ok, there are people who will tell you to adopt and enjoy your own company but that's like telling a hungry person dieting is good for you. It's ok only if that is what you wanted originally not if you are being forced to being alone. You yourself seem to be trying to make loneliness work this way.
2) Learn to get along with and to be nice to yourself. The primary relationship for any human is the one we have with ourselves. It is difficult to be a good company to others when you are a bad company to yourself.
The worst thing about loneliness is not that it can crush you (it can if you let it) but that you can learn to endure it and then it becomes your prison. It can always get worse and the longer it takes the longer it is going to take.
Dealing with the lonliness from the kids was the toughest. If you cant get along with the mum. Accept it and leave the kids behind in love. Maybe write every now and then dont blame yourself. If you get along well you should keep in touch with them. Otherwise it will drain you and them of so much energy that in the end nobody has a chance to become happy. And to become happy is what you should prioritize on. Otherwise your kids wont learn how to deal positivly when they are ready to see you again.
On lonlines: A very positive strategy for me was that I opened my self again as a spiritual being after being atheist for most of my life. I was lucky to find a church community that I liked. Its is also a place where you have a chance to socialize with all ages not only your age or interest group democraphic. This helps to broaden your social skills. I recommend attentending a service where they sometimes socialize afterwards (Brunch together, discuss or have Coffee together). I found it extremly valuable to connect with older folks and talk about their perception of loneliness and life. Also christians teach to talk to god. So in the end your not alone anyway, somehow. Just try out some services and communities till you find one that you feel welcome and positiv. Open up to singing and worship without judging yourself beeing unauthentic. There are lines in the songs you can connect and others you cant. This can really free blocks and helps to become less judgmental on yourself and others. Ofcause beware of sects that just want money. On the other hand look at it like it is a service you pay for. Like gym, shrinks, alcohol etc. It might be the cheaper option.
Regarding women and other releationships... 1. Accept and learn to understand your needs and preferences. Stop blaming yourself. It's all part of the experience. You are ok. And dont bend yourself to satisfy others but learn from others. 2. Learn the game. There are some rules. Most important is 1. There is great literature about it. Must reads are from David Schnarch.
Enjoy the ride there is a lot to discover. To force yourself into "learning to be lonly" postpone it to after death.
Good luck.
If you have never been religious before: go to a Catholic church. They exist almost specifically to solve this problem.
A "Christian Atheist" is a modern phenomenon, and our materialist culture is the heart of that perspective and one that's deeply misunderstood and flawed.
I'd argue St. Paul and other biblical era scholars would find a western atheist not only very Christian, but also having a very childish and ignorant understanding of reality.
When everything is a thing, we have no room to see the fractal nature of happenings through time and synchronicity up and down layers of abstraction. Reality is just as much an interactive story between narrative and conscious threads as it is space/time, matter/energy. We've lost the first personal perspective of that with our modern "atheism".
It was fun for like a year, though.
In some other churches, people get to socialize more.
I get into a bit of an upcycle when I'm alone. Get a solid routine where I knock out all the boring parts of life by habit. Sleep at the same time and wake up at the same time without an alarm clock. Get to the point of knowing what time it is just from where I'm at in my daily routine. Cook a good meal twice a day. Routine for work. My days just flow. When someone else enters my life at that level, then the machinery generally breaks down.
I live in SE Asia, and it's super easy to find a place where people are hanging out, drink a coffee, and then just BS with some stranger. I don't even have to start the conversation, as usually someone will start it.
Trouble is, I find there are things about close physical contact which can't be replicated. My (now ex) partner can make me melt on command. Every time we do the dirty, I feel like there's nothing I would rather be doing than that. I feel like I'm missing out on some important part of existence if I'm not experiencing these things daily. It's really hard to find the right partner in the right situation I guess.
I am into photography. It's been one of the greatest reliefs of my life because it allows me to be creative without putting any economical pressure on it. I don't sell the photos. I just take them and try to learn how to be better at them. Through this, I've found some of the best landscape photographers on YouTube who just seem like some of the most humble people on earth.
Recently, I started programming after spending a decade browsing HN as a non-tech person. It's a creative endeavor because I'm trying to learn Swift and Swift UI while making an app that supplements my day jobby-job. I will absolutely use and I'm positive someone at work will also find it useful. It's creative because I have no CS background and I'm just coming up with the app how I will and my closest coworkers will use it.
Gym has also been a point of reference for me to stay physically and mentally health.
These three things have just been my go to places of output and reasons to change up a bad day or a monotonous week.
Doing things that are detached from your personal life for the sake of developing only yourself (especially creatively), I think is the best way to do it alone.
I know someone who paints for the sake of painting, someone who works on furniture only for themselves, etc.
Hopefully this and everything everyone else has said helps you out.
For you, some actionable steps: Finding a good counselor is an excellent step. I won’t try to advise how to go about that, others have done a much better job than I could. One key would be to take action (and keep taking action). Also don’t just settle with the first counselor you find. Try several and choose which one helps you move in the right direction most.
Secondly I have personally found Headspace’s mediations on Loneliness and on Anxiety very helpful on a physiological level.
Everything else I have is less actionable.
Our hearts and emotions matter. Compassion matters. People being compassionate toward you, and you toward yourself. Being seen for who you are matters.
Your history indicates deep wounds. When our wounding comes within the context of relationships, healing also ends up needing to come from relationships. This will take time. You will have to find people you can trust.
Life is more than getting by. Find yourself, and find people who love you and respect you, as different as you may be. This is a wake up call, who you are is signaling that you need more.
2. take on a hobby every month, something new, until something sticks: e.g. Boxing (oh that's good for morale), painting, drama, climbing, ...
3. go to whatever convention is going on this month in the city, ask questions, hang out.
4. take on any sport, literally anything that fits you.
Do not drink alone, ever.
I personally found I loved being alone riding motorcycles. I'd go on day trips and it was my therapy. I ended up riding everywhere, not having a car (I don't recommend that) and commuting every day on my bike, rain or shine.
Finally: take it easy. A lot of people are feeling it, you're not alone, this is a normal thing. Most men after divorce with kids will be absolutely demoralised. Your purpose of "looking after the family" has been shattered and you need to find a new balance. For a lot of men pre-divorce, the kids and the "family running" was the only thing that kept them going. It's 100% normal to feel in the deep end afterwards. I'd advise to seek professional help, see someone, professionally, to talk about it, if you get to the point of depression. But do take it easy on yourself.
At least in your current mentality, it sounds like you're viewing socializing and other people as a means to an end (of not feeling bad). A more common view would be that people are (in some form, even if mostly "selfish" forms) the end rather than or in addition to the means.
I tend to agree with Alfred Adler's view that "all problems are interpersonal relationship problems" (e.g. I recommend this book https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/43306206-the-courage-to-...). Socializing is so core to human existence that existence is meaningless without it (even as an introvert). So I hope you can find a way to cherish and be grateful of the positive aspects of relationships (and avoid or acccept the negative aspects), so that you can view relationships as bringing a form of joy in itself.
I guess your perspective implies also that it's a personality aspect of yours (e.g. "most people like hanging out with people but I just don't."). But I would push back against that view. I think everyone, even you and all introverts, are meant to find joy in social relationships. The world can be cruel sometimes, but there are always good things to be found if we are open, willing to take some risk, try not to take ourselves too seriously, but are also strategic and constantly learning and improving. Whatever has happened, think of it as a learning experience. You'll come out the other side as a better man than when you started. The past is past.
You have to find ways to get people into your life. Whether it's old ones who have lost touch, or new ones you start bonding. 32 is plenty young. You still have the bigger half of adult life to go through. In this modern age, I wager a sizable segment of society falls into your same bucket. As much as you don't enjoy company all that much, you will do well to find some and create boundaries. But living alone is an impossible option. That's a battle that won't be won imho.
Obviously, some of these things are harder to do mid pandemic, but hopefully we're near the end.
I would also suggest that you look into joining a men's group. A lot of other men are experiencing (or have experienced) things that are similar to what you are going through, and it can be very helpful to be able to share your experience with people who have empathy and can help you through it in a healthy way.
I didn't get mine from my parents, I learned to fake it until I made it. It makes you more fun to be around, and it gives you the skills required to initiate communication with people who lack that skill.
It makes you happier in your own skin.
As for other advice?
Get a therapist. Learn to talk.
Talk to people and learn to really listen.
If you can't remember shit (and my memory is awful), make notes as soon as the conversation is done. There's no shame in using effort to work around one's own flaws.
If someone tells you they're doing something, follow up, and make a calendar entry if needs be. How'd the exam go, how was your trip, how was the appointment?
Explore social hobbies. Some of my most meaningful friendships have been formed through gaming.
I mainly play Valorant and Overwatch on PC.
I'm not a great player, certainly not a mechanically skilled one. But I greet the server, I'm a positive team player, and I communicate. People enjoy playing with me, and it's a great way to start talking to people and spend time with them.
Cosplay, skating, raving, try whatever you might enjoy.
It's ok to need people, dude. And loneliness can suck. But most other people don't want to be lonely either.
All you need is the opportunity for interaction, and the skills to capitalise on it. A friendship rewards both parties. Nothing manipulative or abusive about that.
To give you an example, I spent 3 hours on a voice call with a female friend I made randomly playing Valorant. We've met up in person, we message most days, and both our lives are improved by the friendship.
Sorry it's slightly rambling, but I hope that helped.
Therapy is useful to learn how to deal with problems. But even the most resilient person can be overwhelmed.
In the end, you have to learn to let go of stuff that happened.
Like dreams, sometimes it is not about the specific activities, but about the infrastructure that is required to make them true.
The other thing that helped, was to try to figure what things you can do to make someone else happy, even if you can't seem to do it for yourself at that moment. I found it especially fun when you can do it secretly. Even a bit of vicarious pleasure makes the day brighter. It's a great starting point. And you can learn from watching others, how to feel comfortable and inspired with yourself.
Please find a therapist. Trust me. I don't know what your financial situation is, but it's really not that expensive... especially because you don't need to do it forever. Make sure that you find a therapist whose method fits your level of comfort. This is VERY important. I also highly recommend only doing in-person sessions (if you're comfortable with that, re: covid). It makes a big difference.
All of the other advice here is a shot in the dark. We simply don't know enough about you. Chance are you're not an angel (none of us are) and your strengths/weaknesses play a very big part in your life's outcome. Not to mention your upbringing, bad habits, good habits, state of health, financial situation, sexual drive, etc, etc.
Therapy is not like it is in the movies. It's a lot like having drinks with your friend and dishing about your life. Except your friend devotes 100% of their attention on you, has professional training, has a goal of finding the root cause of your problems, and does it for a fee.
I only went to therapy for 5 months and it changed my life. I'm in my mid-30s and rejected therapy for a long time because I thought it was for mentally ill people. Maybe that's technically true but if it is then we're all mentally ill to some extent.
Last thing I'll say is this...
Twice in my adult life I had my entire world view shaken to the core. It's a thing. And for a lot of people it needs to happen - they don't just gradually get better and figure things out. Often times a tragic event will trigger it but not always. When you hear stories of someone dropping everything and moving to Japan or something like that... yea it's that kind of thing.
It's possible (again, can't tell w/o details) that this kind of drastic change is what you need in your life. One great catalyst for that change is talking to a compassionate and intelligent professional. You'd be surprised at what you'll dig up.
Best of luck to you.
This is NOT how most of the world functions outside of the west, strong community bonds have underpinned the fabric of society and what you're experiencing having been shunted off your family island is the missing safety net provided by robust community.
The advice you're going to receive here will be proffered by folk in the same deconstructed system of individualism focusing on you as an individual.. but what you're experiencing is a need to belong to something greater than yourself that cares for your emotional and social needs, AKA: community. There are groups within the west who are fundamentally aware of these problems and strive to create community, communes, religious groups, eco villages.. find groups that are focused on community (and supporting each-other, being a 'tribe') and get involved in whatever they are doing.
Ps: 'untrusting of women' is an alarm bell that makes me think you see women as a class rather than humans, this should be an alarm bell for you too to realise that generalisations about groups of people are always a bad idea.
Wishing you well in your adventure friend.
I don't bring this up casually, either. From the sound of it, the OP got the bad and sadly usual end of how the divorce industry and legal system disenfranchise men as a general tendency. The first time it really happens to you is kind of an eye opener. Mistrust is earned, after all.
Well, clearly you and I will. Give it time and keep talking about it. In the aftermath of MeToo, feelings are still running high, but I think we'll see things balance out in the long run.
Humans tend to generalize as a survival mechanism, if I get hurt in a situation or by something like X then the next time I am in a similar situation or meet something like X I will not trust it.
Unfortunately if you get in a really damaging situation with someone of the opposite gender it can kick this survival mechanism in gear and you become untrusting of them. I've had a similar situation and it sucks, especially if you meet someone you like but your whole mind and body says "not that again!"
I broadly agree with the rest of your comment, but this part is utterly untrue. It's only the wrong generalizations that are harmful.
FWIW, the rest of your comment is kinda a broad generalization about westerners.
Regarding not trusting women, I think I don't trust because I don't understand. Of course this applies to romantic connections to women. I don't inherently distrust all women.
Which is completely normal if you got divorced and got a visitation schedule where you don't get to see your kids often.
On top of that, alimony and child support can ruin a person.
It’s very common that a man end up with little time with the kids as the family court system is stuck on 1950s assumption around the woman being a housewife, and because a woman usually marry up also a huge bill every month. I’ve seen people driven near bankruptcy from it.
This is a great podcast for those unaware of how dangerous it is when your family enters the family court system
There is a landscape of tribes to become aware of, and there's space for clouds of "familiar travelers" to move in and out of relation with these tribes dynamically. I would also advise that, rather than finding a tribe and staking the bulk of one's identity and relationships with that tribe, one works to form a constellation of relationships that constitute something like a personal tribe.
In other words, I don't think we need to move backwards to something, but that we can be more creative about how we get our needs met. Realizing that society isn't set up to meet those needs is an important step.
it takes a new relationship to overcome this and that's difficult when past experience hampers your very ability to form that relationship.
Isn't the deconstruction of the family also due to collectivist, anti-individualist ideologies? Gender politics where everyone is a member of a class rather than an individual human can divide us. Instead of looking towards a religious community, family or other cultural institutions for moral guidance or support, modern society looks increasingly towards state institutions.
I don't know many with a lot of trust or love for the government, but I regularly see those same people fall for coercion / manufactured consent that creates a bigger nanny state.
Agree with most of your comment but I feel this is less about "our quest" as it is societal/economic pressure to not have children and push women to work vs focus on raising a family.
I may be wrong but reading OPs post led me to believe he is a straight male and does not feel like a relationship with the opposite sex is a good idea right now. I don't believe this is sexist or an over-generalization, just that he is currently not in the right mindset to be able to open up/trust members of the opposite sex. And that's ok. It will eventually pass.
It is also inaccurate. So we can approach this with empathy when someone admits it, otherwise there are a bunch of men's rights groups that are not interested in pursuing a collaborative approach with all humans, looking for people exactly like OP.
Since you say you want to be around others, but not necessarily converse all the time I would suggest finding a way to apply something you are good at in a local community.
For instance, every faith congregation or social club have many chores that need to be done. Not everyone need to be the social bunny to be part of the community, it actually need many like yourself.
I'm attending a fantastic church full of fantastic people. YMMV with this one because not everyone attends church, and I've been in dozens of churches and never found one quite like this.
My other social outlet is sports, I do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and have made a bunch of new friends. I'm there nearly every day so there's a lot of interaction.
Finally, I was suffering from depression and I started investing in other people more than focusing on myself. Finding a place to volunteer or someone to mentor could help.
I had a friend who was very lonely, borderline suicidal. Went to a coffee shop for the same reasons, just to be around people because he thought it would help. Started chatting up the staff when he was getting coffee. Soon he was a regular, but still very lonely.
Doesn't show up one day because he had a doctor's appointment or interview. Phone starts buzzing. It's the people at the coffee shop, checking in on him. They had gotten worried about him and wanted to check in and make sure he was ok. Legit made him break down and cry, realizing there were people who cared about him, cared enough to reach out to him when he didn't show up - meaning they were indeed paying attention to him and enjoyed him being there.
It took some more counseling to get him squared away, but that event completely changed his outlook on life. Sometimes when we get into dark places, a lot just goes by you until someone points it out.
I cringed when you said this but it’s 100% true. Humans regulate each other’s nervous system. Still I think this downplays the value that others bring to your life. In the right amount and quality people add so much more to life than scratching a biological itch or more precisely: the pleasure of scratching the itch is far greater than the pain of not scratching.
> how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely?
By having real social connection with people i.e having a vested emotional interest in the lives of others and vice versa. You don’t have to spend a significant amount of time together. This might be the hard part though as getting to this point requires spending time together and shared experiences. A combination of bad and good experiences is ideal.
Also learn to tone down whatever negative perceptions you have about yourself. A lack of compassion and self respect can push you to enter into compromised or toxic relationships in order to sooth these negative emotions with feelings of validation. By all means hold yourself accountable but at the same time realise you are doing the best you can do for someone with your level of consciousness.
Most importantly, when wild animals have a problem, they just run away. In civilization we are mostly taught that running is futile or shameful, and we should instead either normalize the bad situation or forcefully take control. But that can leave us in a sorry state as individuals, unable to acknowledge boundaries properly or grapple with fears and failings in their appropriate proportion, burying the abuses with whatever escapes present themselves. Self-talk can help with working out the bad ruminations that result: just list out loud what you want to do, and discuss it with yourself verbally instead of silently. When I do this my ability to discuss it with others improves remarkably.
There are many people who are separated with kids, and not being able to see their kids. It is horrible.
It might sound a bit cliché, but please bear with me:
> I have a pattern of loneliness pushing me into making very foolish decisions.
If you have a semi-pathologic pattern in your life you need to find a good therapist. HN/Reddit/your internet forum of choice will not have the same impact as a professional that helps you to work up your problems.
First let me say that it's okay to feel this way. Especially since corona hit and it affected all of us, no matter who we are.
Reading between the lines, you may very likely suffer from depression. That is nothing to be ashamed about and nothing that can't be fixed. I would recommend looking for some psychiatric help.
You may not believe it right now, but as a rational person you may accept it as a truth anyway: Your Brain Chemistry effects how you feel and how you see the world around you, to the point that you literally see the world around you as more grey[1].
On a more personal note, having been in a very similar situation, you may try to reach out to old friends you haven't talked to in a while. I have reached out to a good friend I haven't talked to in years and I'm so glad he's back in my life and he was happy to hear from me as well.
I wish you all the best!
I’m gonna be honest - it’s not easy. There’s lots of giving up and feeling like it’s hopeless but there’s moments where it feels like the momentum is building. Just need to translate that momentum into something meaningful.
I will also mention that I’m a niche product and I’ve found myself very difficult to make close friendships with people. I’m extremely picky with who I associate closely with. As much as I like to think people don’t like me - it’s really that I don’t like most people. Because you’re not outside of your body and inside someone else’s - you’ll find that even if you’re interesting or what not, if you don’t show interest back, people will disengage. So - it’s important to say yes to people more often. And that’s hard after going through a divorce and after probably losing some friendships and being burnt out over 30+ years of trying to get things perfect but failing. But you gotta keep saying yes and keep trying. Also - not all friendships need to be friendships where you could share every single thing ever with someone and be bestest buddies for life with it almost looking like a marriage from the outside. This is setting up most friendships for failure.
Also - stay off dating apps for a long long time. If you’re anywhere near average (or worse) looking physical appearance - they will absolutely ruin any shred of self-confidence that you thought you had. Totally blackpills you. To be fair - I’m in SV - so life is already blackpilled as it gets.
You asked on "tips for giving yourself attention". Can you elaborate on what you mean by that? Are there examples you could give us of what that is like, to help us think of other ideas?
One piece of art that I loved that is about this topic is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs. Like most art it doesn't really answer your question directly with concrete suggestions, but maybe it will be worth watching anyway.
Perhaps instead of focusing your energy on loneliness it would be helpful to ignore it and focus instead on the things that you like and genuinely enjoy. Things that often leave you feeling better afterward than you did before you started. These things can be big or small. For me some examples are riding my bike, drinking a glass of cool water, planting seeds (more or less anything, but particularly tomatoes), walking around the neighborhood, cooking my brains in a sauna, going to the beach. If you can't think of any, then experiment. Check your status before and after each activity. Make sure to keep judgement relative and incremental. Things don't need to blow your mind. Even things that make you feel just marginally less shitty are a great place to start!
Try to focus on those things that "fill your bucket" whatever they are. Consciously spend more time engaging with those things, and spend less time on everything else. Cooking get you down? Stop. Playing chess perk you up? Play more chess... find new venues in which to play chess (or whatever, chess is not for me, just a theoretical example).
As you get better at filling your bucket, you will surely meet new people along the way. Do they fill your bucket? Engage more. Drain your bucket? Engage less.
The whole idea is a bit like Yoga... slowly and gently stretch your time-spent in happier directions.
Another thought... as you meet new people remember that a lot of them won't be a good fit for you for reasons that have 0% to do with you. Don't take it personally. If 1 in 20 new interactions is positive you are doing super fabulous! Stick to it. Those positive interactions will add up. Make sure you have time in your life to spend on them when the do happen. Having a good chat with the barista, be 5 minutes late to your morning meeting and let the people behind you enjoy the anticipation of their morning coffee for a bit longer.
Take your time, take it easy, and seek out fun... genuine fun for you, not what anyone else thinks is fun (a-doy!). People who are your kind of fun will be there when you arrive.
I guess what I'm getting at is, if there are no parents or friends that can fill this role for you, then I think the next best thing is that you fill that role for someone else who may be in need - if they reciprocate, that void will begin to fill.
There are billions in the world who are less fortunate than you. I don't mean to lessen your issues, I just want to point out that learning about those less fortunate than you, will lessen the burden of your own troubles.
I would suggest you have a travel vacation, stop thinking about your troubles and just travel to observe the world. I would also suggest you don't go for regular vacationing places, but go for places of worship, trekking, etc.
Lastly, I would suggest you to workout and read biographies. Work-out to maintain a healthy strong mind, and reading biographies because you can live the lives of others through their books. Autobiographies are the best.
Now you have a common interest with people that practice mindfulness, which is also something you need. A lot of the people are fit women, some might find it interesting that you are there at all and wonder if you're going down the mindfulness path.
So you can still fulfill your goal of resigning from the possibility of connection while creating the option of being social.
There is a parallel lingo and phrasing associated with them, that they gravitate towards if you speak that way.
Its a decent way to begin to see the same people in multiple places, which has a couple of benefits between you and them, as well as others around (or being introduced to others).
And finally, a yoga session is an okay date or social activity to bring someone else to.
If you want to exchange some words send me an email (check profile).
>my divorce left me untrusting of women
Don't. Good people exist and you deserve to be around them.
Also, I definitely second the recommendation of meetups. There are so many out there, and not at all limited to tech-related stuff.
Overall, pick something you care about and invest in it in a socially discoverable way, and you'll run into others who share your interests.
There is nothing wrong with having multiple motivations for doing something. Ultimately, you are helping someone else. Your motivation for doing so does not reduce the fact that you have helped them.
Additionally, it's natural to care about things you put effort into. If you continue to show up for volunteering when it is difficult for you, you will eventually begin to care about those you are helping.
Then, there are small things that can also give you realization. For example, there's a famous YouTuber who goes with a rake clearing up drains. But be prepared, be careful, and give a heads up to authorities so there are no problems. But forget about showing it to other people. Be an unsung hero. For yourself.
I'm not sure you can. Feeling lonely is a natural consequence of being alone, particularly for someone in your situation, who was used to having other people around regularly in the past but now doesn't.
The question is whether you think feeling lonely is a negative, something you need to fix, or not. (Some people don't, btw; there is no rule of the universe that says feeling lonely always has to be bad.) It sounds like, at least right now, you think it's something you need to fix. If that's the case, I think other posters here have given some good advice.
Everything else mentioned is highly personal. You may or may not like the gym or D&D or whatever.
But you aren’t going to be able to do those things if you can’t manage your feelings.
1. What would it look like if you were not lonely?
2. Consider there are 7b+ people out there. Whatever style of friend or companion you are looking for, it exists.
3. Your goal is to be alone without feeling lonely. If you feel lonely perhaps that's your mind telling you that you actually don't want to be alone.
4. Imo, everyone needs a few people to confide in. Generally people know approx 50-100 people, but there are layers. On the inner most layer most people only have 2-3 people they consistently confide in. So you likely don't need many to be satisfied.
5. Relationships come down to proximity, frequency, and intimacy of information sharing. Without these three components you won't feel connected to someone. You can't skip a step and fake it.
6. Unfortunately our society is optimized for efficiency of the production of goods and allocation of capital, which doesn't include any of our happiness.
7. Read old books. Books that passed the Lindy effect (test of time). There's plenty of wisdom in them that will give you comfort will fuller perspective and understanding of human nature and society. A few are Tao de Ching, Meditations, The Republic.
8. There are two ways to solve problems: planning and leaning into mystery. Some people only consider the first option. However doing unplanned things with unpredictable outcomes can lead to the emergence of amazing things. Seek new environments, enjoy exploring them, and don't anticipate how they will give you what you need. You may be surprised.
9. You may already have the people you need around you without realizing it.
10. If you want to be alone, maybe embrace it with a retreat or seminary for a few weeks. May clear your mind and reveal something.
11. Last one since this is getting long. Generaly the formula for a person's happiness is good food, good sleep, good exercise, few good companions, and something in the future to look forward to. If someone checks those boxes usually they are good.
Wish you all the best in your journey. I'm sure this detour will take you somewhere exciting around the corner.
That feeling of loneliness is not going to leave you, and any negative emotion is not your friend, no matter how it convinces you - instead it will bleed you dry, and leave you alone once you are dead - the only thing you can do is to leave it first. So drop the emotion, move on, and once it comes back you do it again.
That said, to me, the key to not being lonely is to be alone, since when you’re lonely around people there’s urge to feel that only if you were able to connect with the people around you that it would fix you being lonely; in my experience, it won’t.
Being alone forces you to reflect on the loneliness inside of you and realize you’re in control of it.
There is no silver bullet to fix being lonely. Everyone has there own way of dealing with it. But to me, the key to is understand when you’re feeling lonely and find ways to manage it.
Wish you the best!
I can sympathise with this feeling. I sometimes look at socializing as I do as working out. It makes you feel better in the long run, even if it can feel easier in the moment to push it away.
> Does anyone have any tips on how to give myself attention? Or, in other words, how can I learn to be alone without feeling lonely?
Why isn't the cure to socialize and seek out groups you enjoy hanging out with?
my English is not so good so I keep it essentially short. I recommend to you a self treatment for one month of every day Art-exhibition or Classical-Concert. Do it! Go out but aim for those activities only and also go on your own. After this month or so, you might feel the love and need of society and after a while and a little bit of luck you will meet the right one or two people who give you the belief in good in life.
We cannot force the good feeling we can only try to find the way to it. I wish you luck and all the best!
This is a great question, but I think the answer is different for everyone, and not an easy answer. Whatever the solution is, it will take patience and effort.
I don't want to give anecdotal advice or some thin philosophy. I also think there are some interesting answers in this thread. Above all, the number of answers show that a lot of people deal with loneliness as well.
What are you doing to foolishly solve your loneliness? Might give us an idea of what specifically makes you lonely.
When I was turning 30 I was also very lonely. It was when I was in the middle of the transition from being physical worker to web developer. I was after a divorce which I initiated, my ex decided to take care of our son and to live in the another country while I came back to mine origin one (we were economical emigrants). Because of the career change, I had to kind of start my life from scratch - I moved to another part of the country where I knew nobody. I had also very little contact with my son and my family. I had to work for free to get some experience, had to cut my spending to bare minimum like rent and food. I remember spending my 30th birthday completely alone in a dark room, small room that I rented, thinking that I must be the least capable and liked person that I know. What helped me stay sane was that shortly before all that change started, I defined myself - what I wanna do in life, what I want to pursue, what kind of relationships I want to have. I also took a look at myself, I believe I figured out what put me in this situation and what should I change (or better word - work) about myself to get where I wanted, along with being honest to myself. I think that in general I stopped to worry so much about failures, but man, there were many of them around that time. I started to see small successes and I kept on focusing on them and on achieving them - whenever I got really miserable I tried to sum up what did go well, even if it was a tiny bit, like just finding a good tune.
It took years, and some things worked out (work, family, new relationship) and some not (I still have almost no friends). I also learned that the less I compare myself to anybody, the happier I am and more focused on my goals I can be. I learned to be inspired instead of envying, I learned to back off instead of making my point when I see it will change nothing. I learned to cherish moments and that learning new things can give real pleasure.
Many people go through loneliness at some point in their lives, even if most of those you see around and in social medial, seem to be way ahead of that and way happier. I hope you will be able to find a way that will work for you soon!
And just my 5c: while loneliness is not an illness (in fact I'd say it's a logical, rational response to the situation many of us find ourselves in), therapy can still help us to understand ourselves better and maybe discover a way out of the situation.
"It is not how you go down, but how you come back up."
It will suck in the short term but treat this as an opportunity to work on yourself and become the best version of you. If that means moving, then move. If that means taking risks, take them. If you fail, try again. The effort is worth it. Wishing you the best!
They will help you set goals, keep track of goals, and how to make and keep friends.
You may have developed toxic behaviors that is preventing people from enjoying being around you
This will get you interacting again. Be curious about people but not pushy about it.
Check out Demeo or Eleven Table Tennis on Oculus Quest (Meta Quest, whatever). Or VR Chat. Also there are a lot of Discord channels (or Matrix maybe? ) for kind of everything. So if you can get interested in anything at all and start a project, that is one way to have a bit more interaction, discuss that problem in that area with those people.
Statistically, the more people you know, the higher the chances of finding a person you can relate to are. So don't give up easily after a few "unsuccessful attempts".
Also check out meetup.com and see any activity which interests you and if it has enough number of people, you may end up making some good friends. Go join that activity near your location. Best wishes!
Life happens. Some of the friends above are in a weird place now because they blew up their lives and are experiencing crushing loneliness.
Myself, I put too much of myself into work. It's taken years to recover.
I'd grab coffee with you if you want. I find most people pretty interesting.
You don't. You'd as soon learn to stop eating without feeling hungry. You need to be asking how to meet people and get friends, even shallow ones. Use meetup.com and just get out there
Pick a new exercise (cycling ? mountain climbing?)
Pick a new skill to learn (drawing/painting/3d modelling in blender)
Woodworking/metal working (the creative hobbies of making something tangible is great for the soul assuming we have one)
read, then once you get into your reading groove, read in strange places.
Do you have hobbies that you ceased to practice for whatever reason? Kids, career.
Maybe this is the time to pick it up again. Engage however you like, interact with the community when you feel like.
Being misanthrope works perfect for me.
A note of caution - I'm from the country which is currently all over the news. Hating a better society should be more difficult.
Spend time in a library. Go to open air or night markets.
Go to busy malls etc. Surround yourself with people. And slowly try to meet up new folks.
Make a transition in such a way that you can get trusting again.
I'd study a wall, or a blade of grass. I'd thrust my attention on whatever I could find. You always have something you can focus on. I usually had a book with me.
However, I don't feel much positive emotion, possibly related, and I don't know that I necessarily recommend eliminating loneliness. That might work like cutting off the power to your smoke alarms--just kill the pain sensors and let the problem fester.
As long as it's not illegal and doesn't hurt anyone (yourself included).
Eg. Badminton and cycling in Belgium.
PS. If there's a drink after the exercise, stay ;)
You already proved you could find a partner and make a family. You can do it again.
Also, Do you talk to your parents often? If not, then do. Listening to their voice has a soothing effect on one's soul.
I would also suggest that look for alternate dormant company such as books, meditation, healing speeches, motivation talks, etc. That way, you get a daily dose of something to think about and look forward to.
If you like pets, try getting one. That way, you have someone to look after and would also get a sense of responsibility.
Always happy to talk :)
c_e@tuta.io
I know others will suggest service/volunteer/lose yourself to find yourself. And I know that can kind of be off putting when you’re feeling down and out.
I’ve been through the feeling of feeling disenfranchised/lonely a couple of times. After a couple of iterations I began to notice a pattern in the types of volunteer service that helped. It wasn’t volunteering to be in the local flying club leadership. Or to help something happen in the kids schools. It was mundane repetitive work that no one was doing but clearly needed to be done. It was putting the chairs away after the church social. Or washing the dishes at the homeless kitchen. I’m not sure why this is. Because in my everyday work, what I value most is creative autonomy and pursuit of solving new and original problems. I think it has something to do with uncomplicated nature of something like labeling vials at the vaccine clinic. There’s no real wrong way to do that. You just get told thanks, sometimes, and even if you don’t, you know you made a difference and that your part was part of something bigger.
YMMV
edit: try to join a local meet up group like hiking and go whenever to meet/chat with people
I like being alone. I'm very comfortable with my own thoughts and feelings and I have loads of free time. And if I see someone that interests me I know that I have no problem going up to them and just saying something. And that's not normally about anything more than just something in the moment, a conversation. It's not even about a connection or a friendship or anything like that. I find just sometimes randomly talking to strangers when I feel like it is really satisfying. And it doesn't mean I don't feel a little embarrassed or sort of scared to do that I do but I just make myself do it anyway when I choose to and it does get easier over time to do that. So easy that it's sometimes feels ridiculous how easy it is to talk to random people and then it's almost like you see it from another point of view where, like, "how is this ever hard or weird?" And I don't just mean anyone who looks interesting to you "romantically" I mean literally anyone who looks interesting to you, not just someone who's in your "optimal mating parameters" or whatever, heh :)
If you're talking about biological necessity in terms of sex then I guess what I can say is don't depend on someone else to give you the way you want to feel or what you want to have. Nothing wrong with having that with someone else but make sure you know how to satisfy yourself and get good at that because that's really important as well.
In terms of emotion, maybe it would also help to go a bit deeper, ask yourself how you actually feel about this situation (and by that I don't refer to any specific aspect of it but the totality of your situation right now)? Where do you feel it in your body, and what do you feel there, and also what's the emotion and thoughts you have around it?
And also then go even deeper than that and ask yourself why do you feel this way? Why is it important to you? What are you making it mean? And maybe try to figure out what's there for you. This last step is really crucial and important.
Sometimes gaining that clarity and perspective about what's actually going on really is transformative. And if you do that and that happens then solutions will probably just present themselves to you as ideas so easily.
It's so hard (and way too much responsibility and karma) to give advice and I'm not. I'm just sharing stuff I've discovered that have works for me, even though I don't feel lonely and I like being alone, maybe because I already have strategies for dealing with all the free time I have. I'm also in a relationship but that time is bounded. I also have a lot of free time outside of it.
Maybe I'm an anomaly compared to most people in terms of how I relate but just sharing my experience in case it can help you or someone else.
Reading/Podcasts/Audiobooks (Audible or Libby)/new projects/long walks may help with loneliness. Later, maybe starting a private journal. Lots of suggestions already on that.
In the other direction (being social without guild/doubt about performative-self). You could try going outside of the box in general about that definition of "self". Not in a destructive way, but more in a "who I think I am got me here, try being somebody else and see if that feels better". The feel better (self monitoring) was key for me, as I could not figure out who I was, but I could try a thing and see if it felt right, wrong, or very wrong.
One of those healing discoveries was Improv (improvisational comedy). It feels scary from outside, but the courses (look for courses, not drop-ins) usually start very gentle. The thing that I discovered is that Improv explicitly allowed me to "not be myself" and to experiment with exploring and expressing things without costs associated with doing them for real with "true me". And you do get to meet people who are often quite interesting and accepting. I suspect that they start somewhat accepting and the "Yes and" practice of Improv deepens it.
Similarly, dance classes. The ones that force the rotations, have progressive courses and - in general - reduce your agency. I know, it is counter-intuitive. The point is that you just show up, and (learn to) dance. Not navigate the social rules of negotiating the individual dances. And if one style of dance does not give you the right feeling, try another one. Often, the popular dances (Salsa, Bachata, Reggaeton) are actually not the good community for this purpose as they double (and often are structured to enable) dating. But if you go to offbeat styles (West Coast Swing, Contra, Scottish Country Dancing, Lindy Swing, maybe Rockabilly, etc), they are mostly about community and acceptance.
Finally, I found Esther Perel's "Where do we begin" therapy podcasts very educational and transformational to think about the relationships and self. They are about other people's problems but you get to hear how Esther analyses them and it helps (helped me anyway) to start creating internal system of needs and priorities. This may help with "I know it is dumb thing and I do it anyway", because you keep hearing people explaining completely different failure scenarios and then Esther mapping them to more basic issues of having agency, being valued, etc. So, it helps to think about actual basic needs and then think about different ways those needs could be fulfilled and choosing ones least destructive. Or how to protect your core needs while exploring and expanding.
P.s. Good women/partners totally do exist. The hard part is that they need to be "good for you" and you "good for them". Until you know both what you are "running away from" and "running to", it is hard to evaluate whether there is a good match. Also, a lot of anecdata seems to suggest it takes 2 years in normal circumstances to walk that path from "getting away" to "knowing yourself".
P.p.s. Sorry, lots of quotes, not sure how to summarize it well. And I don't claim to have solve loneliness for myself, but it is nowhere as bad as it was. But if it resonates, feel free to ping.
> The thing is I don't even like hanging out with people most of the time but I get into this space where it feels like a biological necessity.
Connecting with people is a biological necessity! It takes work but it's totally worth it.
I definitely agree with others that therapy is a good place to start. Also, it's okay to feel lonely. It's also okay to want to connect with people and to put work into it.
A few things that have worked for me:
- Just because older friendships have withered doesn't mean they can't be revived. Reach out to people to catch up - everyone loves feeling wanted every once in a while. Most of these won't turn into close friendships, but some might. And even if they don't, seeing old friends will make you feel more connected to more people and make life more colorful. The world is a lot more interesting when you hear more people's perspectives, I think.
- Join a club. Or join multiple clubs, even. A lot of people are looking for social outlets as pandemic restrictions recede. I like running so I joined a running club, but I'm sure you can find other clubs to join. There will probably be a lot of new members like yourself wanting to socialize - my running club is 20 years old but most of the active members joined since June 2021.
- You might consider finding roommates. Living alone is nice in some ways, but having roommates gives you built-in social interaction every day (as long as they're people you can tolerate). IMO more than one roommate is best.
- Make friends at work. If people don't eat lunch together, try to invite people to lunch. If they don't hang out after work, try proposing going to a bar one day. This might be higher effort than other ideas here, but I usually find that having casual work conversations fills at least a little of my social needs each days. (Obviously this doesn't apply if you work remotely.)
- Be vulnerable. You might be worried about others judging you for feeling lonely, but I don't think they will. You can express it to them in less direct terms, too - maybe "I feel like I've lost touch with my friends and I wanted to see how you're doing" or "I've been trying to rekindle friendships since the pandemic/the divorce." I had a conversation with a high school friend just a few weeks ago just like this, in fact. I think being vulnerable about things in my life (including but not limited to loneliness) helps deepen the relationships I have and makes my social interactions fill more of my emotional needs too.
For me, a mix of all these things have helped. I still feel lonely sometimes, but I feel a lot better than a few years ago. It's a lot of work to build friendships and a social structure, but it's well worth it for your happiness (and it'll make your new friends' lives better too).
I have done a simple practice for many years that alleviates all kinds of suffering, loneliness being just one common kind. It's described well in this book: https://library.dhammasukha.org/uploads/1/2/8/6/12865490/the...
The basic idea is this. You have to train the mind, a bit like how you'd train a puppy, except of course that you have a lot more material that needs to be configured, so it requires more patience. When the mind comes and disturbs you about something (usually with the intent to help you be a successful animal), you do some very simple steps to soothe the mind about that issue and reduce the likelihood of the mind bothering you about that again. In this way, you gradually get more and more peace and happiness that seems to come out of you, not in dependence on worldly circumstances.
May you be well, happy, and peaceful.
A pet also do wonders to mental health BTW.
