So there appears to be a misunderstanding here. The enthousiastic-seeming politeness of one culture has accidentally convinced someone from a different culture that there was more emotional connection than there really was.
Just don't fall for it. It's mostly for show. Excessive politeness at a mass cultural level like that is simply an obligation. But this teacher doesn't understand that and, perhaps being a little more prone than average even in her own culture to forming emotional attachments with students, is misunderstanding what is happening.
Imagine you walk into one of those restaurants where people are super enthousiastic about you, with big hellos and showy gestures and maybe even some singing. But it doesn't mean you've formed a deep emotional bond with them. It's for show, that's just their baseline.
People everywhere in the world only have so much emotional bandwidth for strangers, but the difference in default displayed politeness level might make for some misunderstandings between cultures.
For example he would ask them if they wanted to go to lunch and they would say yes, but still be at their desk working. He asks again after a minute of awkward silence if they're ready to go, and they keep saying "yes one minute" and yet keep working until he gives up and goes away.
If so, how do people quit their jobs then, or do break-ups? They just never do or do they just disappear over night?
Looks like it used to be lifetime and now that is changing.
If they ghost, you keep charging them until they decide to cancel the contract.
Just like how a doctor will charge a cancellation fee, you could probably do that as well / instead.
Or up-front payments for x classes.
I think Japanese people would be very receptive to this information and the $ incentive to let them know you're serious about it.
I ask because if not then it's going to be difficult to go first. If yes, any idea how it influences behaviour?
I had some thoughts on how I'd deal with ghosting if I were a teacher in Japan. I do not have enough exposure to Japanese culture to know how well it would work.
* Change lesson duration from open ended to a fixed time period where students would have an option to "renew" based on their preference and progress.
* Provide a number of acceptable and "common" reasons to end study students can use in an effort to reduce shame. Reasons as simple as "I have met my goals as a student."
* Educate students early on on how to end their studies and present it as a part of the process and not shameful experience.
This is why “bless your heart” and “fuck you” can mean the same thing in different places.
Alternatively this didn’t happen in places where conflict tended to be resolved with fights that didn’t escalate to killing.
"Sorry, $student, but I am unfortunately unable to continue being your teacher. [Personalized summary of student's progress, pleasantries, etc. go here.]" x $no_of_students
Simple. Effective. Exemplary.
Edit: I am totally available to teach English to Japanese students. Ghosting acceptable! No money down!
Cultural differences?
This is a freelance teacher who is responsible for finding her own clients and managing her own schedule. If you let them know that you won't be taking any more lessons, they can find another student. If you lie to them and they think you'll be back for your lesson next week, they aren't going to look for another student to fill your time slot. So when you don't show up, you've just cost them to opportunity to earn money from someone else.
If I were in the same situation, I would absolutely institute a policy of continuing to bill for the student's time slot until they formally cancel services. Given the level of conflict avoidance being practiced here, I foresee such a policy being quite profitable.
It's just a basic level of respect to not waste others time with wondering if it's over or not.
https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-bet...
Example: if you ghost your teacher without quitting that's inconsiderate, and calling it "saving face" is saving face.
If that's the author's preference (fair enough), then Japan is not the right place for them (in that respect). Intercultural Communication 101. Either learn to deal with it and stop taking it personally, or move somewhere else. (Or, sure, go on a one-person quest to change Japanese culture - what could go wrong.)
The primary "you need to understand this" difference about Japan rejection, IME, is that Japanese people readily accept anything other than an explicit yes as a clear no. Your average westerner tends to be really delusional about this, and the even the ones who accept it (like the author, apparently) are still hurt when it happens. Like, this sentence:
> “I’m sick today. I can’t make the lesson. I’ll contact you later”
Is practically a cliché of a Japanese rejection. This is a country where people will show up to an obligation half-dead, and absolutely never cancel something important at the last minute. If someone flakes on you with an excuse of sickness -- particularly if they don't apologize PROFUSELY and attempt to reschedule -- just accept that it's done. Anyone who has been in the country more than a few weeks has experienced this, and you'd have to be willfully obtuse not to pick it up.
(to be clear: I don't think OP is being obtuse. I think she's venting for catharsis, which is fine.)
I think what you meant was 'literal translation'. Sorry if this seems like a nitpick but these terms mean completely different things.
To be fair, I would expect that HN would have a bit more sympathy for the fact that the ambiguity means that she has to hold open a "schedule slot" that she could otherwise sell to somebody else.
My friend teaches guitar and has to deal with this all the time. "I'd like to cancel the lesson." "That's great, but you still need to pay for it." "WHAT!?!?" "Look. You aren't just paying for being taught guitar. You are also paying for that 4:00PM Wednesday time slot that everybody in the universe wants."
Given that the post mentions the author's pregnancy and miscarriage, I'm pretty sure it's "she".
Like by all means if they are crushed by this, see a specialist, but a little pang of sadness hardly seems like an unreasonable reaction requiring a mental health professional.
The goal of therapy isn't to make you immune from all negative emotions.
It seems the author actually understands the local customs, but couldn't accept it emotionally.
Did she? She indicated politeness likely plays a role but didn't get into the specifics of Japanese politeness that results in this.
